


Unscripted

by Boring-kun (MissMemorielle)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Kageyama Tobio, Fluff, Implied Relationships, M/M, Masturbation, Minor Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Minor Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 01:59:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4588737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMemorielle/pseuds/Boring-kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player<br/>That struts and frets his hour upon the stage<br/>And then is heard no more. It is a tale<br/>Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,<br/>Signifying nothing.”</p><p>If Kageyama had to choose one quote to describe his life, he would probably choose that one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "King of the theatre"

**Author's Note:**

> Quote in the summary is from Shakespeare's Macbeth. 
> 
> An actual summary would be Kageyama and co are all attending uni, and Kageyama is obsessed with acting instead of volleyball. And so is almost everyone else, I guess.

Kageyama’s week has not been going well so far.

First of all, the theatre company he recently joined decided that their first production this fall should be something “new”, “inspired” and “ground-breaking”. They are going to let random students – who may have no understanding about acting at all – submit their shitty poetry and short stories, and then create a play based on that.

The play is guaranteed to end up post-modern and fragmented, and Kageyama frowns down at his coffee, where the barista for some reason thought it would be a good idea to make a cutesy teddy bear in the foam.

The idea is not so horrible by itself; it’s more that for it to end in anything remotely successful everyone in their company would need to be a lot more talented, hardworking and just  _better in general_.

Why is it so hard to just start off with something more traditional, and work on fundamentals, like method-acting ( _when someone mentioned they didn’t know anything about Stanislavsky the other day, Kageyama accidentally broke the prop he was handling_ ), and maybe while they’re at it, they should just increase practice, and everyone should read more theoretical books on acting and…

Kageyama drags his spoon through the bear in his coffee, watches it dissolve with a strong feeling of being unsatisfied.

School has been interesting so far, but it does seem like it’s going to be rough dealing with both his school work, the theatre company, his dancing classes, yoga classes and to still have time left over for reading plays, working on his monologues and (attempting to) write screen-plays himself.

The shared apartment he moved into this week seems all right, although sharing quarters with three other people is something Kageyama would have preferred to avoid.

He’s been staying in his room as much as possible, but when he needs a change of scenery it’s more comfortable to take his work with him to nearby café, rather than settling down in the living room and risking actually having to talk to his roommates.  

Even though it’s his choice to leave the apartment, Kageyama can’t chase the feeling that he doesn’t really have a place where he can just relax for a while, without having to deal with people bothering him.

Right now, this café is the best option he has however, so he pulls his copy o _f ‘The Intent to Live: Achieving Your True Potential as an Actor’_  up from his bag, and starts reading.

 

When he gets home, Kozume is seated on the couch in the living room, playing something on his Nintendo DS in the dim light.

Kageyama gives him a nod in passing, receiving a small one back – it’s as though the two of them have a silent agreement about not talking, and pretending the other person is not around whenever possible. It is an arrangement he is grateful for, Kageyama thinks to himself as he shuts the door to his room.

The time is 22:10, so he has time to go over some things before going to bed.

 _‘Should I try writing a poem for the play?’_  He stares at the notebook he uses for character work, drafts for scripts and other ideas.

 _‘No. I don’t have anything to write about, and I don’t even know where to start with poetry… Maybe prosody?_ ’ Shaking his head, he decides to read the pages they were assigned as homework.

The current chapter is about the proscenium stage, which isn’t all that interesting, but still relevant enough to his acting that Kageyama is able to pay some attention to what he is reading.

Around midnight he slinks out of his room to grab a snack. Kozume is still playing on the couch, but Kageyama makes no eye contact on his way to the kitchen, grabs a yoghurt and returns to his bedroom.

He tries to go to sleep afterwards, but his thoughts won’t quiet down – quotes from plays, impressions he has about the other people in the company, vague feelings he tries to repress  _(solitude, unease, doubt, longing)_  which seem to manifest as an ache up his spine. 

 

Kageyama opens his eyes, feeling as though he didn’t sleep at all. His eyes feel irritated and dry, and one look at the time tells him he’s already behind on his schedule.

The first class for the day is theatre history, and his teacher is of the opinion that five minutes early is the correct way to be on time.

He tugs on the nearest clean sweater and pants, ending up in an all-black ensemble – one of his many stage crew outfits.

He decides to forego breakfast in exchange for buying a cup of coffee on his way to class, and then he’s leaving the apartment.

After his class, which was interesting but too early and long, Kageyama has a couple of hours free.

There’s a yoga class around ten o’clock at the studio where he’s a member, so he usually attends that after his early classes. He has no particular interest in the practice itself, but it’s a good way to improve his control and how versatile he can be with his body-language on stage.

Several people may also have recommended it to him as a  _“healthy way to deal with your emotions”,_  but Kageyama tries not to think too hard about that.

The rest of the day passes in a relatively normal way until he is on his way to rehearsals with the company. As he’s walking across campus towards the large hall they have reserved, a girl seems to recognize him and runs up to him with a cheerful expression.

Feeling apprehensive but not wanting to be rude, Kageyama comes to a stop. Staring at the girl, he can’t remember seeing her face anywhere, so he’s pretty sure she’s not a classmate or anything.

She seems to deflate a little under his glowering.

“Um, you’re Kageyama-san, right? I saw you in a play at the end of summer - Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? A friend of mine was in the play as well. She portrayed Mae – Satsuki, if you remember her? I just wanted to say that you did a great job as Brick. Satsuki said she thought so as well, even though everyone were a bit too young to properly do that play.”

Kageyama thinks back to the girl who played Mae, and frowns.

“Thank you…” He mumbles, looking away. ”Yes, I remember her – an uninspired performance. The age of the actors wouldn’t be a problem if everyone had actually taken practice seriously.”

The girl is scowling at him now, and although Kageyama knows his words may have been a little harsh, they were true none the less – he wouldn’t coddle bad actresses just because he was talking to her friend.

“You’re kind of a jerk, you know that?” With that, she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Kageyama blinking in surprise.

He  _did_ know that, that other people felt that way about him sometimes – but he was just trying to be honest, and it was frustrating when nobody around him were willing to work hard. Sometimes what he was trying to say and how he actually ended up saying it were vastly different, and not for the first time, Kageyama wished there was a script for real life.

 

“Kageyama! This is the first time you’ve been late, how unusual.” Sugawara, the production manager, calls out when Kageyama steps inside the room.

“I’m sorry. I was held up by a girl on the way here.” He answers; feeling confused when it’s met with strange silence and raised eyebrows.

“… A confession?” Tanaka asks with a scary grin, looking like he wanted to punch him in the face.

“Oh – no, she just wanted to talk about her friend who starred in the same play as I did earlier this year. I think I accidentally insulted her though.” He mumbles the last part, but of course Tsukishima picks up on what he said.

“Did you let down another one of your  _fans_ , king?”

“Don’t call me that! And I don’t have fans, and even if I did, they have no reason to be disappointed.”

“Well. You are pretty different on stage.” Sugawara says, carefully.

“It’s acting, I don’t understand why everyone is so confused when they meet me – do they expect me to act like the characters I play?” Kageyama grumbled.

“No, but they expect you to be charming, eloquent and capable of more than one facial expression. I still don’t understand how anyone as emotionally stunted as you can act, even though your performance in that last play was pretty mediocre.” Tsukishima says drily.

“I wasn’t asking  _you_ , and what do you know anyway, you’re a sound technician – besides I’m pretty sure you calling someone else emotionally stunted is as ironic as it gets. Also, your _face_  is mediocre, you fuck. “

“Mature.” Tsukishima goes back to remixing soundtracks.

“Alright, we should get started.” Daichi, the artistic director, cuts in and slams a box down on the table in the middle of the room.

“Some people have submitted poems and stories – not as many as we’d like yet, but still enough that we have a bit of material to work with. Since this is an experimental project, and this company is new itself, we don’t know what direction the play will end up taking. Let’s try to keep an open mind, and have fun with it.”

Kageyama wants to protest at that, but quenches the urge. He feels intimidated by Daichi, and while the project isn’t exactly something he’s comfortable with right now he doesn’t want to be negative from the start – try to keep an open mind, he can do that.  _Try_  being the key word.

The various members of the company all drift towards the table and take a seat.

“OK, so I was thinking we just pick a text from the box,” Sugawara gestured towards said object, “and read it out loud, then we can discuss to what degree we should try to incorporate it – we don’t have to use every text that’s been submitted, but everything can be inspiration in some way.”  

“Cool, I’ll start!” Nishinoya says, diving his hand enthusiastically into the box and pulling out a medium sized paper. It turned out to be a poem about flowers, trite and poorly written.

“It does have… Charm?” Asahi tries, while Noya stares at the poem forlornly.

“Yes, it’s very  _quaint_.” Sugawara says, earning a side-eyed glance from Daichi.

“It’s shit.” Kageyama crosses his arms and glares at the box as though it has personally offended him.  
“Let’s at least be honest about that – garbage is garbage, and we shouldn’t waste any time on it.”

“A little harshly worded, but yes, let’s move on.” Sugawara says, like a breath of fresh air.

Kiyoko reads a short story about someone waiting for their lover, Asahi picks up a poem that they soon recognise as just a slightly edited version of Robert Frost’s _‘Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening’_ , and so they continue for a while.

When they’ve gone through maybe half the material, it’s agreed on to do some more traditional exercises for the rest of their practice, and then brainstorm ideas for the play until next time.

 

The next weeks pass in a similar way.

They had decided to use some characters from a relatively well-written story that someone submitted to them – and to keep those characters during multiple different stories and scenarios. Like Kageyama first predicted, the play was shaping up to be episodic, but it was actually looking promising so far.

Feeling uncharacteristically pleased with how things were going, Kageyama also felt a growing sense of unease. Something was going to go wrong soon.

So when he walked into practice, only to be greeted with Tanaka and Noya excitedly explaining they had an  _“awesome new member”,_  it’s understandable that Kageyama felt apprehensive.

The new member turned out to be a short man with messy orange hair and with energy levels to match Nishinoya. He was running around squawking in excitement, earning amused  _(Sugawara, Kiyoko)_  and annoyed  _(Tsukishima, Kageyama)_  looks.

Finally, he stopped acting like an  _idiot_ , and introduced himself properly.

“Hi, nice to meet you – I’m Hinata Shouyou. I am kind of new to this acting-business. I’ve only been in sports clubs earlier, but I’m looking forward to working with you!”

People greeted him back, but Kageyama kept silent. If this twerp didn’t have any acting experience, why was he accepted? Was he some kind of extreme natural talent? Or was this Daichi and Sugawara being too soft on new applicants?

“Alright, let’s do some warm-up exercises, and then we can continue reading and discussing the script so far. Kiyoko has added a few more monologues since last week, so we should go over those at least.” Sugawara clapped his hands together, and everyone gathered in a circle for the normal warm-up stretches and games.

Afterwards everybody took a seat around the same table as usual, and Kiyoko handed out the revised version of the temporary script.

“Alright, let’s just do it clockwise, so I’ll start with this monologue right here-“Daichi pointed to the script “- and then you can do the next one, ok?” He looked at Hinata, who nodded back enthusiastically.

Daichi’s monologue was interesting – long metaphors about the ocean, the mood intense and sombre. Afterwards they had a quick discussion of what everyone thought about the writing, where Noya and Tanaka went a bit overboard with their praise to Kiyoko.

Soon it was Hinata’s turn to read the next soliloquy, and Kageyama felt kind of curious – the emotions present in the passage seemed to him as anger and longing (at first read at least), a scorned lover ranting about their woes to an imagined Eros.

When Hinata took a breath and started to speak, the air was full of tension. It didn’t last long.

 _‘What.’_  Kageyama felt his eye twitching, disbelief welling up in him. _‘He’s performing this like an excited 12-year old talking about their favourite pet on a choose-your-own-subject presentation.’_

After Hinata finished, it was silent.

“Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to let this untalented dumbass in?!” Kageyama said before he could gather his thoughts, prompting an immediate reacting from Hinata.

“What?! Fuck you man, who made you _king of the theatre_?”

Kageyama could faintly hear Tsukishima giggling through the roaring anger in his ears.

“Do NOT call me that.”

“Hey, hey – HEY.” Daichi slammed his fist on the table, which shut them up. “Thank you for your attention. Kageyama, Hinata has been accepted into the company, please do not question our decision on the matter – he is unexperienced, but he does have strengths laying elsewhere, alright?”

He fixed them with a glare.

“Now, I don’t want you two fighting– if I have to, I’m going to make you go through trust-building exercises every practice for the next  _year._ ”

Kageyama paled at that, having no love for trust-building exercises, and so far no respect for Hinata.

“Fine.” Hinata crossed his arms and looked away with his bottom lip jutting out.  
“’s not as though  _I_ was the rude one. But fine.” He mumbled.

They continued reading the few last monologues, and then decided to do some character-work. Kageyama was up first, with his soliloquy and then a dialogue between his and Tanaka’s character.

He tried to ignore the tension still lingering in the air, stepping away from the situation, from himself and his emotions. Kageyama felt calm. He quickly went through the five w’s, _(who am I, where, what am I doing, why, when)_ with his eyes closed. When he opened them again, his entire body language had changed – languid, his eyes lit up and smiling – his eyebrows relaxed, which did a world of difference on the vibe around him.

He could feel himself getting lost in the feeling of being on stage – not ignoring the people watching, but feeding off it, using the energy to fuel his performance further. Tanaka also seemed fired up, though honestly – when was he not? Overall, it was a decent play-through of their scene.

After some feedback, Daichi announces they’ll have a short break. Kageyama sits down to drink some water when Hinata appears in front of him, staring intently.

“…What.”

Hinata stays silently staring a couple more seconds, before exploding with sound.

“HOW?? THAT WAS AMAZING – you changed your entire – your entire atmosphere, vibe, whatever, it was like watching subtle shape-shifting! How did you do it, is it  _magic_ , show me!”

Kageyama blinks, feeling way out of his depth.

“… Um. Th… Than…k… I don’t really know what you’re asking, are you asking me how to act, you dumbass?”

Practice and natural affinity is what Kageyama would answer, but for him it is also a way to cope.

The thing is – plays follow a pattern. The characters have set personalities, goals, they say the same things and essentially, with some small variations, the stories are just being re-told repeatedly.

Sometimes they may be ambiguous and hard to interpret, but Kageyama can agree with his fellow actors that the Hamlet in this version of the play is  _‘The Embassy of Death’_ , to say it in the words of G. Wilson Knight.

This is something he understands, which he is comfortable with – he knows what Ophelia will say to her brother, how he will reply, what it all means (or what most people think it means, at least).

He can learn the dialogue by heart, take his time to understand it, and that is something he doesn’t have the luxury of doing in everyday life – or in improvisation. Which, frankly, he is shit at.

He ends up spending the rest of the break squabbling with Hinata about teaching him how to act.

 

After the break, the plan is to do a few games to loosen up, and then a couple rounds of improvisation. Hinata offers to try right at the start and Kageyama isn’t expecting much.

But maybe this is what Daichi meant, that Hinata was strong in other areas?

Turns out, that was what he meant.

From the moment Hinata walks onto the stage, where he is playing against Sugawara, there is something different about him. A special kind of intensity, demanding attention.

He’s full of drive, even when he’s playing as an old man there is this energy burning through – but in a good way. It is dynamic and captivating  _and Kageyama can’t look away._

He does not talk to Hinata before leaving, something about the other man making him feel disquiet. His performance was almost agonizing – some parts were intense in a way that Kageyama doesn’t feel entirely comfortable with.

So Kageyama goes home, avoids his roommates as usual, and wonders why he feels like everything is about to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.  
> I'm like... Planning to make this a longer fic? Multi-chaptered I mean. And then I might bump up the rating later (and add tags!) because honestly, I think I'm better at writing smut than normal plot, ha ha ha. :u  
> Also like, background parings. Possibly.  
> Who knows what will happen later, not me. It's a mystery. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) But there will be... amorous shenanigans. 
> 
> Anyway, kudos and comments are very much appreciated, I have no idea what I'm doing! #saveme.


	2. "I feel out the strongest breeze and take off running."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama goes for a run, and then makes a friend (?).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short compared to the first one, but it felt natural to keep this by itself somehow - anyway the next one will probably be longer, I'm doing this kind of spontaneously.

The tense feeling he felt after the last practice didn’t really fade away, leaving Kageyama on edge during the next days.

The stress that was slowly accumulating from school and his other activities doesn’t really help –but mostly he just feels kind of pissed off that he is so hung up about the new guy.

Whenever he thinks about Hinata, he feels frustrated – by the fact that someone who couldn’t act for shit was accepted into the company, that he _could_  actually act when it was improvised, that the other man possessed some kind of raw talent he had been squandering way for god knows how many years.

Not that he really has the time to hang around thinking about  _things that doesn’t matter_.

Today is a Saturday, and since he already finished his first draft of the essay on Antonin Artaud, the plan is to go on a run, and then do something to wind down a little – maybe watch a movie without analyzing every aspect of it.

He gets dressed, goes outside and starts running. Usually when going for a run he just follows the same route, so he doesn’t have to concentrate too much about anything – one of the few times he can just let go and let his mind wander (the other times are often in class, if it’s subject he doesn’t care about, which is a habit he needs to fix).

After about an hour of running and some walking, he is back at the apartment.  _‘A shower and then a movie,’_  he thinks to himself.

Walking into the living room, he sees the last person he expected. As his eyes land on a shock of orange hair, he stops abruptly.

 _“What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?”_ _  
_“What are you doing here?”__

They both shout at once, Hinata pointing at Kageyama with his eyes opened wide in astonishment.

“I  _live_ here.” Kageyama says, scowling at Hinata when he makes that squawking noise.

“You’re one of Kenma’s roommates?”

He feels briefly confused as to who Kenma is, before remembering that’s Kozume’s first name.  Said boy is seated on the couch, watching their exchange with a dispassionate expression.

“… Yeah.” Kageyama answers at last, prompting Hinata to look between Kozume and him with expectation. When neither elaborates what kind of liaison they have (a non-existent one), he seems to deflate some.

“Kenma hasn’t mentioned you, I only knew that he lived with his childhood friend and two other guys.”

Kageyama nods, having nothing to add to that.

“Um, so, you’re probably wondering how Kenma and I know each other-“ “-not really-“ “- _you see_ , we played volleyball together in high school.” Hinata ignores Kageyama’s jab and continues talking.

“We played on different teams though, but we started texting and hanging out in our spare time – and our teams had a lot of training camps together, right?” He grins at Kozume, who nods slowly.

Kageyama is starting to feel slightly awkward, standing in the living room sweaty and cooling down, listening to Hinata blather about something he has little to no interest in. There is silence for a moment and he contemplates just sprinting towards the bathroom before Hinata can stop him, when the other man speaks up again.

“So, have you been exercising? You look sweaty.”

Kageyama nods.

“I’ve been on a run.”

“Oh, cool. So… Me and Kenma were thinking of watching a movie, if you’d like to join us? You probably want to take a shower or something first, we can wait.” Hinata manages to sound both hopeful and casual at the same time, and Kageyama blinks in disbelief.

He  _did_  want to watch a movie after his run - but together with Hinata and Kozume? He glances at Kozume for a moment, who shrugs and nods slightly.

This day is quickly turning absurd.

Especially when Kageyama feels himself nodding, saying yes, and fleeing to the bathroom. Standing under scalding hot water, he contemplates what it was that made him agree to this… Social experiment that is happening in his living room. Is he really that lonely?

After his shower and putting on some clean clothes, he is seated next to Hinata on the couch, a liberal amount of space between them. Kozume is on the other side of Hinata, cradling a bowl of popcorn while keeping his eyes on the commercial currently playing.

Hinata and Kageyama had bickered over what movie to watch, before deciding on The Shawshank Redemption, since it is almost universally acknowledged as a good movie.

Hinata does however strike Kageyama as the kind of person having difficulties paying attention to a movie, and boy was he right.

“Sooo.” He starts, five minutes into the movie.  
“What kind of things do you do in your spare time, besides acting?”

Kageyama waits until there is a break in the dialogue on screen.  
“I study, I do yoga, dance classes, I read and write plays, I read books about acting-theory and theatre-history.”

“What are you studying?”

“Theatre.”

“Wow. You’re like that weird kid in every class who’s really into horses, only instead of horses you like acting, if you get what I mean?”

“No.”

“He means you’re obsessive.” Kozume translates for him.

“Sometimes I go running.” Kageyama says, frowning.

“Yeah, I guess there is hope for you yet – maybe you have the potential of not being a  _total_  geek.” Hinata is grinning at him, while Kageyama contemplates if the insult warrants smashing a pillow in his face.

They watch the movie in silence for a while, Hinata commenting on things, Kozume and Kageyama occasionally replying. It’s feels… Nice, almost serene, and if he wasn’t so relaxed that would be alarming for Kageyama by itself.

There is something he’s been wondering, however, and this seems as good a time as any.

“Why do you want to act anyway?” He glances at Hinata. “I mean, how did you get interested – you’re mainly into sports right?”

“Well, yeah.” Hinata shrugged.

“Um, have you ever heard about slam poetry? I went to this event with my roommate and Kiyoko-san, because they wanted to try something new and they felt it would be good for me to  _‘get a taste of culture’_ or something.”

“You know Kiyoko-san from outside the company?” Kageyama asked, intrigued.

“Ah, yeah, sort of. She’s dating Yachi – my roommate I mean, they’re girlfriends. So there we are right, at this poetry reading, and I’ll admit I’m not really that type of smart? I’m not very emotional about writing and reading and  _bla bla bla_ , I’ve always felt that it’s kind of lame. But this was something different – already with the first poem really.”

He stops talking for a few moments, gathering his thoughts.

“OK, so it’s dark except this one spot light on the microphone stand on-stage. A man walks out, there is some instrumental music playing in the background, and he starts talking. And… Like, even if I wasn’t listening to what he was saying, it’s like I didn’t have to? His voice and his body language – it was like I could understand him just by watching his hands. But I was listening –the language was very difficult and I didn’t understand everything, but I got the gist of it – how we are vessels for something bigger than just our bodies, for energy, soul, how when we die, we become everything. That he dealt with loss by finding the strongest wind and running into it. I mean, it sounds kind of dumb when I’m re-telling it, but it really struck a chord – it gave me the same kind of feeling I get from hitting a spike. So I asked Kiyoko-san how I could learn to do something like that, and she suggested theatre – I know I’ll never be able to write poetry like that, but maybe I can express it someday.”

Kageyama had stopped paying attention to the movie during Hinata’s story, and now he just sits there, staring intensely at the other man. That’s definitely not a bad story about discovering a passion for something new. He feels more positively towards him now – he might be a dumbass, but he’s passionate, which is something Kageyama can understand and empathise with.

“I’ve been acting since I was a child.” He moves his gaze from Hinata and over to the movie again, not really watching.

“The first play I remember watching was an adaptation of ‘The Little Prince’, a French children’s book. I became very interested in acting already then, but I don’t think I can point out something specific about that play that was the moment where I wanted to start acting.”

_(“Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last._

_“It’s a little lonely in the desert…”_

_“It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.”)_

The rest of the movie passed mostly in comfortable silence, with the occasional comment. At one point Kuroo, one of Kageyama’s other roommates, popped up to make a comment about “bonding”, but he didn’t stay.

Later, after Hinata has gone home, Kageyama sits in his room staring at the contact information Hinata gave him, feeling light-headed.

 _“You seem pretty cool for a weird loner! We should hang out more. Here’s my phone number, I’m gonna help you make some friends - take you to some parties. You really should be more social - like, try dating, live a little, Kageyama. Jeez!”_  He had said, shoving a piece of paper in Kageyama’s hand and taking off like the wind.

Before going to bed, Kageyama makes up his mind to…  _Maybe_  take him up on the offer.

‘ **From:**  Kageyama  
_hey. it’s me._ ’

‘ **From:**  Kageyama  
_kageyama i mean_. ‘

‘ **From:**  Hinata  
_hi!!!! nice, i didn’t think u would actually text me._  
_i was hoping for it tho! ・(￣∀￣)・:*:_  
_actually i was just thinking i wanted to link u to that poem i mentioned:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ7-rgfu-2s> its so cool!! (✪‿✪)’_

Kageyama scowls at the over-enthusiastic text message that came almost immediately after he sent his. He does watch the video Hinata links him on his phone, and afterwards he feels a queer sensation, not entirely connected to the emotional reaction the video caused.

It feels like there is a hollow space somewhere in his chest, like there is extra room between his organs and his ribcage, allowing him to breathe deeper, his lungs to expand more.

He goes to bed thinking about how long it’s been since he last had someone he would call a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao, that’s a depressing way to end a chapter, sooz.  
> No but really, does Kageyama have any friends? That aren’t the team I mean… Haha, I weep. Tobes, my sweet child.  
> Watch the video Hinata sends Kageyama tho it’s SO GOOD I’ve shown it to lots of friends and so many started to cry hahah, nice. (me2 tho)  
> Chapter title is from that poem!  
> The (“Where are (…) said the snake.” ) bit is a quote from 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It’s a very good book, I recommend it – I also recently found one of the musicals where the music is written by Rachel Portman? Which is hella. (Think Oliver Twist soundtrack, 2005).
> 
> Edit: I messed up with the last/first name for Kenma so I changed that - in case anyone was re-reading and thinking wtf. B)


	3. "And the leaves that are green turn to brown,"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coffee, rehearsals and Kageyama letting of steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I've bumped up the rating, haha. /sweats nervously.  
> The M-rated parts are towards the very end though, so it should be easy to skip if you're uncomfortable with it, and want to read the story regardless! Chapter title is from the Simon & Garfunkel song (leaves that are green), it's very nice, check it out.
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to Lobomos, because she laughs at my jokes, makes me vegetarian lasagna, tells me I’m pretty, and supports all my silly endeavours, be it writing or art.  
> You’re my sun and stars, light of my life. <3

Even though things had changed – Hinata worming his way into Kageyama’s life was bound to create ripples in the still lake that had been his social life – the rest of the month felt startlingly normal.

Kageyama went to class, did yoga, read plays, went to his dance classes, to practice, did voice exercises, watched movies, and went on runs. One of the things that broke the usual pattern was the text-messages that suddenly splattered the monochrome of his days like bright paint.

His phone vibrates against his thigh while he’s attending one of his lessons on theatre history ( _current subject, ancient Rome, more specifically Seneca_ ). Discreetly checking his phone, he sees it’s a new message from Hinata.

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_sup so when ur done being a total nerd with whatever theatre thing ur probably doing right now, how does coffee sound?  
all of my classes should be finished around 3 so we can meet at that nearby café u know the one with the good lemon cake? __（ﾉ｡_ _≧_ _◇≦_ _）ﾉ_ _’_

Kageyama _refuses_ to feel pleased about a single text, but he does feel a tiny amount of excitement when he replies yes, and puts his phone away. However, the lesson is suddenly harder to focus on, when he’s already imagining how it will be like later when he’s drinking coffee with Hinata. Making a gargantuan effort, he is able to shove the thoughts away at least until the mid-way break in the lecture.

 

The air outside is crisp and the type of cold which stings your nose – it’s refreshing, and Kageyama enjoys the walk towards the café where he’s going to meet up with Hinata. The leaves on the trees have already changed from shades of green to red, orange and yellow. Kageyama idly notes that the leaves remind him of Hinata – probably because of his hair. 

He arrived at the café early by ten minutes or so. When he pushes open the door a wall of heat meets him, making his cheeks flush pleasantly. Hinata is already seated at a table in the corner of the window, making Kageyama feel a slight sting of annoyance – irrationally, it feels like Hinata beat him by arriving first.

When Hinata looks up from his phone with a smile and a silly little wave the slight annoyance he felt quickly fades away, replaced with the (very tiny amount of) excitement he’s been feeling since they made the deal to meet here.

“Hey.”  
He sits down in the chair opposite to Hinata while shrugging off his thick, black coat and unwinding his white scarf.

“Hi, how were your classes?” Hinata studies Kageyama for a moment before moving his attention to the coffee-menu over at the counter.

“Normal. My lecture was mostly about ancient Rome.” Kageyama shrugs.

“Hm, sounds boring!”

“Well, you’re doing your degree in _‘sports science’_ , so it doesn’t surprise me this falls a bit outside things you would be interested in.”

“Don’t be snooty, bakageyama.” Hinata replies at a slightly too loud volume for a public, indoor-space.

“I’m not. Maybe you’re just uncultured.” Kageyama crosses his arms and braces himself for an argument – something that he quite enjoys doing with Hinata, in a grudging way.

Hinata, however, is not riled up this time.  
“Whatever, stop being a jerk and let’s go order.” He gets up and walks to the counter, Kageyama following with an ambiguous sentiment of being cheated.

Kageyama orders a tall latte, while Hinata tells the barista to “surprise me”, much to Kageyama’s annoyance. Actually, most things about Hinata irritate Kageyama, but he still wants to hang out with him, which is perplexing.

“Why are you glaring at me?” Hinata frowns as Kageyama while they’re carrying the drinks back to their table.

“Why would you ask someone to _‘surprise you’_ when you’re ordering coffee. That’s inconveniencing the barista _and_ yourself.” Kageyama demands.

Hinata blinks slowly at him, sipping his caramel-based _something_. The way he’s staring is making Kageyama slightly uncomfortable, so he looks away from sharp brown eyes to look at the window instead.

“I don’t think she minded – and I enjoy surprises.” Hinata shrugged. “I think I understand something new about you though.” He pauses to take another, longer drink of his coffee.

“You’re a control freak. I mean, I already got the feeling that you were a perfectionist but something as small as someone randomizing my coffee made you uncomfortable.”

Hinata surprisingly hit the nail on the head. The observation was based on more insight than Kageyama would expect from the other man, but then again, he sometimes had this look in his eye as if he could pierce the depth of your soul.

“So what?” Kageyama refuses to become worked up about this, even though Hinata stating the truth so brazenly kind of stings.

Hinata shrugs.

“I guess it’s kind of interesting? It would probably be good for you to relax a little though. Hey, maybe you could come play volleyball with me sometime! Just for fun though, it can be a great stress-reliever.”

“… Maybe.” Kageyama says, taking a drink of his coffee.

They continue to chat for a while, about various topics – Hinata often falling into long anecdotes about various things that happened to him in his childhood and during high school, Kageyama supplying random information and opinions about things. He doesn’t have that many funny stories to tell, and the few he does have aren’t really especially fun for him to re-tell, since he’s more often than not the one who’s embarrassing himself in them.

After a while, the topics become more personal.

“You know, I’ve been wondering…” Hinata stares down into his empty mug.  
“How come you’re not friends with your roommates? I mean, Kenma is really nice.”

Kageyama shrugs at that.

“I haven’t felt the need to get to know them, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.”

“Hmm.” Hinata purses his lips in a thoughtful expression.  
“OK, so obviously you’re not too big on the social stuff but… Have you even been on dates? I mean if you’re interested I could easily find a goukon for you to join.”

Kageyama shakes his head, thinking. He knew that he wasn’t interested in girls since around when he started puberty, and it’s something he’s ok with, even if he doesn’t broadcast it.  
He’s had one or two crushes before, on boys in his class or actors in local plays, but he just never felt the need to act on it. Falling in love was something that seemingly happened to other people, and he just figured his time would come when he’s older.

“What about you? Don’t just ask me a bunch of invasive questions, dumbass.”

“Well yeah, I’ve been on a moderate amount of dates. I’ve been in… three relationships, but they were pretty casual.” Hinata says lightly.  

Kageyama feels a bit surprised at that for some reason, even though it makes total sense for Hinata to have been on dates – extroverted, charming, seldom experiences moments of self-inspection and doubt.

They make casual conversation a little while longer, before saying goodbye.

It’s not until Kageyama is walking back to his apartment he realises that he actually spent a prolonged amount of time talking to someone and having a good time, while not doing something theatre-related. He can’t remember the last time that happened, and it gives him a funny sensation in his chest, almost like he’s being tickled on the inside.

 

 _‘Things are slowly shaping up with the play,’_ Kageyama thinks as he walks into the room where they usually hold rehearsal. The script is finished, although a few modifications may be made if necessary, all the roles have been auditioned for and designated, and now they’re doing actual run-throughs of the scenes.

Everyone is also working together to make props and costumes – even though some people have more responsibility and work in that department than others.

“I still think we should have balloons.” Noya declares.

“We can’t have balloons just because you think it would look cool – Sugawara said we need to be able to explain the meaning behind every creative decision we make.” Asahi reminds him, voice kind.

“Don’t be such a nay-sayer, Asahi! OK, Ryuu – help me make up a good reason for the play to have balloons.”

Kageyama frowns in the general direction of Nishinoya, who is going to _slack off_ together with Tanaka.

He catches a flash of bright orange in the corner of his eye, and turns around to see Hinata talking to Yamaguchi and painting a backdrop of the ocean. Tsukishima sits nearby, working on remixing tracks as usual.

Yamaguchi mostly works on props, but he has a few minor roles in this play – unlike Tsukishima, who is _useless_ and just selects the music, which anyone could do. Kageyama could do that himself.

“Hi!” Suddenly Sugawara’s bright smile is in front of him, and Kageyama startles.

“Sorry - I was wondering if you could help me run through this dialogue?” He indicates to the script what part he means, and Kageyama nods in agreement.

Sugawara was probably the person in the company he felt the most comfortable around, which was probably not a sentiment he was alone about feeling. They had been auditioning for the same part, but Sugawara had taken the fact that Kageyama ended up with it very graciously – Kageyama didn’t feel like the other man resented him at all, which is something that has happened a lot with other actors he’s worked together with earlier.

Playing against Sugawara was pleasant – he usually played the characters with a straightforward interpretation of their personalities, monologues and dialogue, and Kageyama could see that he is an experienced actor.

Kageyama has a tendency to be innovative in his reading of characters, and he often comes up with small changes to his soliloquys (if given the ok by the higher-ups), even though he is still touchy when it comes to improvisation.

After practicing with Sugawara, he moves on to working on props – they need to cut out leaves of different coloured paper.

Kageyama works alone for a while, letting his hands do the work and his mind wander. His eyes end up resting at Hinata who is still painting, chatting with Yamaguchi, Tanaka and Nishinoya. He’s been thinking about the conversation he had with Hinata at the café earlier this week – about Hinata having had casual relationships and dating.

Kageyama doesn’t understand why his thoughts keep jumping back to that subject, but it’s happening a lot more than he wants it to.

Is it because he is curious? Because after Hinata’s comment he’s been wondering about how it’s like to actually fall in love and go on dates? Or could it be because it feels absurd that someone would be together with Hinata?

 _‘Probably that last one,’_ Kageyama thinks to himself, and then immediately feels slightly guilty about it. It is not even true.

Maybe he’s just frustrated.

 

When Kageyama gets home that evening, he feels flushed and somewhat skittish. He avoids his roommates with practiced ease, and locks himself in his room. Sitting down at his desk and starting up his computer, he comes to a decision.

He puts on an instrumental song with a simple beat, mostly because he’s nervous that someone would hear him if he ends up making some noise. Then he pulls a bottle of lube from one of his drawers and sits down on his bed.

It’s been a while since he last did this – and maybe the reason why he’s been thinking a lot about things like dating is mostly because he’s been stressed. And because he haven’t had time to just jack off in peace in a while.

He unceremoniously chucks of his pants and boxers, and pours some lubrication out on his fingers, warming it up. He’s not hard, but the knowledge of what he’s about to do is slowly making him excited, and a couple of strokes is enough to make him halfway there.

The music is fading into background noise, which is nice. Kageyama thrusts up into his fist, automatically following the beat and letting his mind wander. When he does this, his thoughts are not necessarily sexual – more often than not, he thinks about lots of different things. His homework, the curry he had for dinner, today’s rehearsal, buying that new book he’s heard about…

He’s starting to pay more attention to the sensation of his hand stroking up and down his dick though, feeling warmth in his stomach and tingling feelings along his spine. Getting more into it, he fumbles for the bottle of lube and pours out more onto his fingers.

Laying down, Kageyama lowers the lube-covered hand down to his ass and gently inserts one finger, groaning faintly. He spends some time sliding it slowly in and out, noting the strange reflection of sensation from both sides – penetrating and being penetrated. His thoughts are becoming a bit nonsensical, he realizes, and puts in a second finger.

He concentrates on finding his prostate for a bit, biting down on his lower lip to hold back most of his moan when he hits that spot. It feels like light is travelling along his vertebrae, and he’s closing his eyes and imagining scenarios – someone touching him, slim, calloused hands hammering that spot inside him, someone warm and solid on top of him, soft hair tickling his neck. Kageyama trails his other hand down his body, wrapping his fingers tightly around his slick cock and thrusting his hips down on his fingers and up into his hand.

His movements become more frantic as he feels his abs contracting, heat pooling in his stomach, his balls feeling tight and heavy, and then he’s climaxing.

Kageyama lies there worn-out and staring up at his ceiling, semen drying on his stomach. He does feel more relaxed than he’s been in a while, but on the other hand his fantasy makes him slightly uneasy – there were too many details about the person he imagined for it to just be a faceless apparition of his mind, but too few for him to pinpoint who he has apparently masturbated to the thought of. Subconsciously masturbated to the thought of?

Shaking his head, he tries to move his thoughts over to something else. Clean up, that’s a thing that has to happen. Pulling his fingers out with a grimace, he gets up from bed and slowly walks over to the bathroom where he cleans up thoroughly.

Having dealt with that, and turned off his computer, he resolves to read some _of ‘Audition: Everything an Actor Needs to Know to Get the Part’_ in bed, before going to sleep.

He’s read one chapter and is thinking of putting the book away when his phone vibrates on his desk.

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_hi ur u still awake’_

‘ **From:** Kageyama _  
If I weren’t before, I am now.’_

 _‘_ **From:** Hinata  
_no lol u were_  
_if u were sleeping and i woke u, u would totally be writing profanities at me right now_  
_anyway you know how we talked about playing volleyball and you totally agreed but in a vague, prissy way? i was thinking we could do that next tuesday, i had plans to play volleyball with some people that day anyway – but you know, casually, so dont worry about looking like an idiot or anything. (｡◝‿◜｡)’_

Kageyama stares at his phone for a while, before replying with a reluctant ok, rolling over and falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. We can argue about how relevant the porn was to the plot, but the truth is it wasn’t really, but I hope someone out there is able to enjoy it, because I wanted to write it.
> 
> The auditon book is a real book by Michael Shurleff.  
> When is this story gonna pick up the pace... Who knows, not me. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. "Wise men say only fools rush in"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama plays volleyball, and comes to a realization (?).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out what title to use for this chapter because the one I wanted to use will fit in better in the next one, so this one is from the song sung by Elvis. I have so much work and school work to do, so naturally I do this instead. It's very therapeutic though, I'm pretty sure I should've started writing six years ago or something.

Waking up on Tuesday, Kageyama spends five minutes just lying in bed, staring at his ceiling. There is a multitude of emotions and sensations happening to him all at once, and it is a bit overwhelming.

He feels excited and apprehensive, wonders if Hinata’s friends will like him, and if they don’t, what happens then? He’s not even sure who he’ll play with, if they _are_ Hinata’s friends or teammates or what.

What if he fucks up? He barely knows the rules to volleyball – he’s been thinking that maybe he should read up on it beforehand, but in the end he didn’t have the time (and he kind of didn’t want to).

 _‘Well, whatever,’_ he thinks to himself while getting up from the bed and slowly getting ready for the day.

_‘Hinata is shit at most kinds of acting, so if I suck at volleyball we’d just be even. Or something like that.’_

By the time he’s leaving the apartment to go to his first class, he’s calmed down almost completely. When his class starts, he is able to push all thoughts of Hinata and volleyball away. Well, most of them at least.

 

His phone vibrates in his pocket during lunch. He’s eating by himself in the classroom, sipping his milk as he checks the new text.

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_hi r u excited for THE BIG DAY (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ  
and by that i mean the day where u get to play volleyball with urs truly, it’s going to be so much fun!! _ ٩(•̤̀ᵕ•̤́๑)ᵒᵏᵎᵎᵎᵎ _i bet ur gonna be amazed when u see me in action tho and then u wont act all high and mighty mr “WHY are you Romeo, not WHERE, Hinata you dumbass”._

Frowning at his screen, Kageyama makes a mental note that he needs to bring Hinata to a play or two – or make him watch the movies or at least read the script for a few of the classics, because _really_.

Hinata being excited makes him feel eagerness too, and he can feel energy prickling inside his limbs when class starts up again.

 

School is over for the day, and Kageyama is waiting under some trees near the building for Hinata to come pick him up – then they’ll walk to wherever they’re going to play volleyball.

He is squinting to see if he can see his breath very faintly – it’s a sharp kind of cold outside, the sweet smell of decay hanging in the air. Huddling his coat tighter around his body, he sees Hinata walking towards him with a wave.

“Hi!” Hinata’s cheeks and nose are flushed from the cold, and he has a big, mustard-coloured scarf covering his mouth and chin.

“Hey. We’re not going to play outside, right?”

“Of course not, stop pouting like that. We’re borrowing the hall where my team normally practices!” Hinata says, and starts walking.

“So, I realized I don’t really know how much you know about volleyball – have you ever played before?” Hinata asks, shoving his red hands in his pockets and looking over at Kageyama.

He nods. “But only a couple of times during gym-class. I know the basic rules I think, but I’ve forgotten things like player positions and more advanced things.”

“Don’t worry; I can fill you in while we walk!” Hinata says excitedly, and launches into an explanation of the different kind of player positions, things Kageyama needs to remember and a lot of hand gesturing.

Kageyama knew that Hinata was a middle blocker, but other than the blocking part, he didn’t have any knowledge of what that meant in a game. Of all the positions, he personally thinks that being the setter sounds cool.

“Well, of course you would think that, being controlling and what not. But still, being the ace is definitely the coolest!”

They squabble about that topic for the rest of the walk.

 

It’s a relief to get away from the cold and into the big hall where a few people are standing around, talking or warming up. Kageyama is suddenly struck with apprehension, realizing he will have to try to interact with these people with no known common ground to make conversation about. Hinata seems to notice his uneasiness.

“Hey, bakageyama, are you nervous? Don’t be, like I said, it’s all for fun so nobody will care if you mess up and get hit in the face with the ball or something.” He grins.

“I’m not nervous about _playing,_ you dumbass.” Kageyama hisses back, and reigns back the urge to kick Hinata in his stupid mouth.  
“Where do we change?” He crosses his arms, signalling the topic closed.

“Hmm.” Hinata looks at him a bit seriously.  
“Follow me.”

He leads Kageyama to what appears to be the men’s changing room, and they undress quickly. While Kageyama is pulling on a loose black t-shirt, Hinata speaks up again.

“You know, you don’t have to be nervous about meeting the others. They’ll either like you or be indifferent – you’re kind of eccentric and mean-looking but we have a lot of people who are just as weird, and I know you’re not _really_ a jerk, just kind of awkward.”

Kageyama stares at him, torn between feeling grateful Hinata tried to comfort him and annoyed that _Hinata tried to comfort him,_ and did it _badly_.

“You’re stupid. Shut up.” In the end, annoyance won out, and Kageyama feels a slight relief when Hinata prickles at the insult and starts yapping at him like an annoyed dog. It feels more normal this way.

When they’ve both changed into workout clothes, the re-enter the hall, and Hinata grabs Kageyama’s arm to drag him over to the cluster of people standing there – which is humiliating and unnecessary, so Kageyama rips his arms out of Hinata’s grip when they’re getting close to the group.

Kageyama gives the people a quick once-over, and is surprised to see a couple familiar faces there – Nishinoya, Tanaka and Kozume. He turns to Hinata to silently demand an explanation.

“I told you that Kenma and I were on different teams in high school, you honestly should’ve expected him to be here.” Hinata shrugs. “As for Tanaka-senpai and Nishinoya-senpai, I found out they used to play as well – and you should know! You’ve been in the company longer than me.”

Kageyama glowers at that.

“Kageyama! Shouyou mentioned you would join us!” Noya grins, with an excited whoop for Tanaka.  
“I didn’t know you played volleyball.” He continued.

“I don’t.” Kageyama shakes his head. “Hinata bugged me to come play though, so I agreed to this one time.”

“You look like the type who’d play sports though.” Tanaka says. “Tall, and fit – and you have good control of your body when acting.” Nishinoya nods in agreement.

“Maybe it’s something I would be into, but I don’t really have time to do a sport in addition to acting.”

“I have time to do both!” Hinata declares proudly, and Kageyama can feel his eye twitch.

“But you’re a shit actor. And you don’t take it seriously – when was the last time you saw an actual play – or different versions of the same play so you could compare different ways of acting out the same character, or –“

“Alright, I get it! I’m not obsessive about it like you, jeez, fine.”

More people had gathered while the four of them had been talking (and Kozume had watched). Hinata gives Kageyama a quick update on the people who are from his team or friends of his – some people he didn’t know either, so it seemed like this was almost like a _‘bring-a-friend’_ kind of event.

“Let’s go warm up. We’re pretty early, I though it would be nice to let you practice handling the ball before throwing you into a match. Kenma, could you join us? Kenma’s a setter, since you were interested in that.” Hinata says with a smile, and Kozume nods.

Kageyama and Kozume trail after Hinata to an unoccupied corner of the gym, where they do some stretches and jumping jacks and what not. Then Kozume explains some key-points to the game-play _(the most Kageyama has ever heard him talk in one sitting, probably),_ and then they try their hand at some tossing and receives.

Kageyama naturally fumbles with the ball a bit in the start, but it doesn’t take that much time before he feels relatively comfortable with how to carry his body and handle the ball.

“Are you completely sure you’ve only played a few times in school?” Hinata angles his head to the side quizzically.

“You do seem to have a natural affinity for this.” Kozume remarks quietly.

Kageyama blinks and shrugs lightly on his shoulders. He just does what feels natural – and after getting a feel for how to play it just feels kind of right. Maybe he should join Hinata more often, for fun.

They practice for a while, and then it’s time to have a match. Since there is a big difference between skill and experience, they try to make the teams somewhat matched up in having both new and practiced players.

Kageyama does end up playing setter for his team, which he’s a bit surprised by – he didn’t think they would put a complete beginner in that kind of key position, but evidently what Hinata said was true; this really is just a casual match to have fun with.

The first time Kageyama sees Hinata jump up to spike a toss however, he is temporarily dumbstruck. It’s like the other man is flying, and while he’s always been filled with this aimless sort of energy, seeing it focused and directed towards something is both terrifying and beautiful.

Kageyama can feel his heart beating loudly, even after the point has been scored and Hinata is grinning to one of his teammates.

It happens multiple times during the match, and every time Kageyama has problems tearing his eyes away from Hinata. It’s been a while since something has hit him like this – that he would experience _Hinata jumping_ as _mesmerizing_ of all things.

After the match is finished – Hinata’s team won, Kageyama lost – several players ask Kageyama how long he’s been playing, telling him that he has potential and the like. Kageyama, who is feeling a little sore about losing, feels gratified by this. When he replies that he technically started today, except for a few times during school, it’s met with varying degrees of disbelief.

“You came with Hinata right? Hinata, make sure to recruit this guy more often – he seems to be some kind of genius.” One of Hinata’s teammates, a tall man with brown hair, yells to Hinata. Hinata bounces over to where they’re standing.

“Nice match Kageyama!!” He grins and holds up a hand, which Kageyama regards with confused frowning. Kozume, who’s trailing behind Hinata coughs to hide a small smile.

“He wants you to high-five him,” he says.

Kageyama promptly slams his palm with as much power as he can muster into Hinata’s, and blinks when the other man gets slightly teary-eyed. His own palm is stinging, but it also felt very satisfactory.

“But man Kageyama is there _something_ you’re _not_ good at when you want to be?” Hinata is cradling his hand to his chest, which Kageyama feels is an exaggeration on how much the stinging hurts.

Kageyama tilts his head to the side in thought – truth is he’s never put a lot of effort into anything that’s not theatre, so he wouldn’t really know.

“I don’t know,” he replies honestly, and Hinata narrows his eyes at him.

“It was a rhetorical question, stupid.”

“You’re the one who is stupid, dumbass.”

And so it goes.

 

When he gets home later that day, after working on his monologues and reading the pages he’s been assigned as homework, Kageyama hesitates for a while before deciding to send a text message.

‘ **From:** Kageyama.  
_Thank you for today. I had a nice time.’_

Immediately wishing he could take the text back, he ignores the reply for twenty minutes, before he can’t help himself any more.

‘ **From:** Hinata.  
_no problem!! thank u2, i had a nice time as well, u should totally come play with us more often – really, if u had chosen volleyball instead of theatre when u were younger u would probably have been a star player u know? kind of infuriating when I think about it!!! how come ur just blessed with talent? (_ _≧_ _Д_ _≦_ _)_ ’

Kageyama goes to sleep that evening feeling more warm and content than he’s been in ages.

 

The warm sensation seems to have carried over with Kageyama to the next day, concentrating mostly in his torso, and heating him even in the crisp autumn air – he feels light, and the soreness of his muscles also serve as a nice reminder of the fun he had yesterday.

He tackles his classes with renewed energy and interest, texting with Hinata during lunch break, and then a long lecture at the end of his school day. Medieval period plays are interesting and all, but the lecture is lengthy, so Kageyama can’t stop his thoughts from wandering.

Discreetly fishing up his phone from his pocket, he sends Hinata a quick message before returning his attention to the professor.

‘ **From:** Kageyama  
_Hey, do you want to grab a coffee and some late lunch at the usual place?_ ’

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_sounds awesome! ur lecture is finished by 4 right?_ .+:｡(ﾉ･ω･)ﾉﾞ’

Replying the affirmative, Kageyama sits restlessly for the rest of his lecture, before he is released into freedom. He heads straight for the usual café, silently reveling in the fact that he arrived earlier than Hinata as he sits down at the table in the corner of the window.

While he’s waiting, he pulls up _‘Audition: Everything an Actor Needs to Know to Get the Part’_ and starts reading.

It’s been approximately five minutes when Hinata walks in through the door, automatically checking to see if Kageyama is at their usual table, and grinning when he sees him. 

“Hi,” he removes his coat and scarf and drapes the over the chair opposite of Kageyama.  
“Let’s go order – it’s freezing outside, I need something to warm me up.”

Kageyama nods and they walk together up to the barista, where Kageyama orders a tall latte as usual and Hinata orders some kind of peppermint chocolate drink.

“Isn’t that more appropriate for Christmas?” Kageyama raises an eyebrow as they get seated with their drinks.

“I guess, but it’s so good though!” Hinata shrugs with an easy smile, taking a drink from his mug.  
“Here, you should taste.”

Kageyama hesitates for a second, before taking the offered cup and taking a careful sip. The mint hits him first, sharp, sweet and refreshing, contrasting with the thick, heavy and dark taste of the chocolate. He gives the drink back to Hinata with a nod.

“Yeah, it’s good.”

“Right! You should try some other things than just the same latte every time, Kageyama. How about a pumpkin spice latte since it’s autumn?” Hinata grins and Kageyama shrugs noncommittally.

“Maybe. Speaking of trying things…” He pauses.

“Wow, great segue Kageyama, really subtle.”

“Shut up. Speaking of trying things – I gave volleyball a shot, so I think it’s only fair if you come see an actual play with me. It actually kind of pisses me off that you’re in our theatre company and you’ve never seen a single play by Shakespeare.”

“You didn’t have to word it like that!” Hinata frowns.  
“But sure, I’ll go see one of your boring plays with you, you only had to ask.”

Hinata starts chatting about how his lessons went and how he’s looking forward to practice, and Kageyama is content to just sit in silence and listen to him for a while. He sips his latte and lets his eyes rest on Hinata, who is staring out the window, glancing at Kageyama, around the café…

There is often something restless about the other man, which Kageyama can identify with – some need to keep going, to keep moving, even if you’re not sure in what direction yet.

Looking at Hinata now, it strikes Kageyama that he is actually quite good-looking – lately, all the autumn colours have made him think about Hinata’s hair, and he could say the same for his sharp, brown eyes, they remind him of hazelnuts or the caramel drink Hinata sometimes orders here.

Kageyama suddenly realizes that Hinata has stopped talking and is looking at him quizzically _. ‘How long have I’ve been staring?’_ Kageyama thinks with a small amount of alarm, feeling a funny fluttering feeling in his stomach.

“Sorry, I was spacing out.” Kageyama shakes his head, and takes a drink of his coffee.

“Yeah, I noticed! Rude, don’t you care about how my day went?” Hinata mock-pouts and then laughs and continues talking, no hard feelings.

Kageyama is struck by the fact that yeah, he _does_ care how Hinata’s day went. A lot actually.

 

Going home that evening, Kageyama can’t rid himself of the strange feeling he got at the café, like he’s nervous and excited about something. He can feel energy overflowing and it’s like adrenalin is coursing through his body – even if he’s doing nothing to prompt this reaction.

After doing his homework, doing some stretches and getting ready for bed, he gets a text from Hinata saying goodnight and sleep tight – and suddenly the fluttering feeling is intensifying like crazy.

Kageyama doesn’t answer, and goes to bed with a dawning understanding of what's happening.

_‘Shit.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, a Kageyama who doesn’t play volleyball, but who tries to learn it later would be sort of like Kise from Kuroko no basket. Also, choosing emojis for Hinata is like… my favourite part.


	5. "Here I am leaving you clues."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama and Hinata goes to see a play, and then work on a different one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discreetly points to the rating. Why must I produce filth? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> This chapter was almost impossible to grind out for some reason. It was painful. Shout out to the bae who when asked ‘what should I write’ answered ‘porn’, I’m just a genie for your wish, so this one is on you tbh. Your fault.

Kageyama starts his morning trying to rationalise with himself - maybe whatever feelings he had yesterday regarding Hinata were nothing more than a fluke? Maybe the caffeine was the cause behind the anxious energy he had experienced. Content with that explanation, Kageyama could move on with his day like normally.

Whatever it was, the feeling is gone now, or lying dormant.

…He really hopes it’s not lying dormant.

 

While Kageyama is sitting at the kitchen table, eating cereal, Kozume surprisingly enough says good morning and mentions that the volleyball match had been fun, and that Kageyama should join some other time as well.

Surprise, gratitude and confusion strike him all at once – it’s slowly dawning on Kageyama just how much his daily life has been changing since he met Hinata.

Continuing to have breakfast with Kozume in comfortable silence occasionally breached by small talk, this seemingly normal situation still feels like something of a miracle to Kageyama.

 

Kageyama doesn’t really have anything special planned today – he goes to his classes and lectures, does the normal self-studying regarding acting, character work and the like.

When he gets home, he resolves to spend some time checking out what kind of plays he could bring Hinata with him to see.

_‘I want to start with something classic – and there is always someone playing Shakespeare’s tragedies. But I also want it to be a company I know is quality. Hm.’_

A production of Hamlet catches his eye and he sends a quick message to Hinata with the potential times they could go watch it.  

He has an essay on _dramatis personae_ he should finish soon, so he spends some time working on that. He is drawing inspiration from _‘How many children had Lady Macbeth?’_ – as he reads through it, Kageyama absentmindedly thinks about the play he is going to go see with Hinata – if the other man enjoys Hamlet, maybe they could go see other Elizabethan plays together. A comedy might have been a better place to start with Hinata, Kageyama realises belatedly – he personally prefers the tragedies.

Having done that, he decides to watch some television in the living room – the small changes that have happened lately makes him feel like maybe it can be nice to be around other people just casually, sometimes.

Kozume is quiet and nice, and although Kageyama doesn’t really understand Kuroo, he’s also never done anything to earn Kageyama’s dislike.

His third roommate had been away on a trip for a while, so Kageyama hadn’t really seen him that much since he moved in – but Iwaizumi was back now.

He seemed like a nice person from what Kageyama could gather – seemingly the most normal out of the four of them.

Kageyama couldn’t shake the feeling he had seen him somewhere else though, that he had met him at some point earlier in time – but he honestly didn’t care enough to think intently about it or anything.

He spends the rest of his evening watching some kind of sci-fi show about clones while Kozume plays something on his Nintendo ds on the other end of the couch, halfway paying attention to the show.

Kageyama is not very invested in the story, but he does feel admiration for the lead actor’s ability to play different characters so subtly and yet convincingly.

 

The rest of the week passes in a relatively uneventful way.

Hinata had agreed to go see the play as soon as possible, so that Friday they meet up outside the theatre. The plan is to watch the performance and then pick up some food and go back to Hinata’s place – Hinata had been pestering Kageyama, insisting that he needed to meet Yachi.

While it was annoying, Kageyama did reluctantly appreciate Hinata’s seemingly never-ending quest to give Kageyama friendly acquaintances. 

“This is the play with the ‘to be or not to be’ quote right? That’s all I know.” Hinata says brightly while they enter the building together. Kageyama had told him to come semi-casual, and he looks nice in a white shirt and black slacks – it gives off a more grown up vibe than the normal sports outfits.

“I would be unimpressed, but that’s all a lot of people know about this play, so I guess I wouldn’t except better from you of all people.” Kageyama answers curtly.

“Don’t be pretentious. You should give me, like, a recap of the plot!”

Kageyama figures that’s actually a good idea – might increase the chances of Hinata being able to pay attention and understand the play. So he summarizes the plot as simply as he can while they wait for the doors to open so they can get seated.

“Hm. I didn’t know it was about that – sounds cool though, I hope I can understand what they’re saying.”

Kageyama _(not so)_ secretly doubts that, but doesn’t vocalize the thought _(this time)._

Soon they are letting people into the room where the play will take place, and they enter and find their seats.

“Remember, do _not_ talk during the play, that’s rude – turn off your phone, _don’t_ fall asleep and _don’t_ leave, no matter how bored you are. And do not applaud before the play is over – maybe at break if the other people do it.”  Kageyama reminds Hinata, who sighs.

“You’re so bossy!”

“I’m not! Those are literally just social rules to going to the theatre, I didn’t make them up.”

“Hmm… If you _say_ so.”

They talk for ten minutes or so, before the play starts. Kageyama feels more aware of Hinata besides him in the darkness than he is about what’s going on on stage – but he’s seen this play before, so that’s fine. What’s more worrisome is the tension that seems to be travelling between his arm and Hinata’s arm close to him – or just between their bodies in general.

… Probably just his imagination.

Hinata seems to be able to concentrate in the beginning, and when he starts to fidget too much, Kageyama just pinches his arm. He gets a glare in return, but Hinata settles down quietly, so Kageyama counts that as a victory.

 

 “I mean, I thought some parts were boring, and it was really hard to understand everything, but I guess I can understand why some people like this? I thought some parts were cool myself, but I can admit when things are too high-brow for me.” Hinata laughs.

“I’m going to confess that I don’t understand it when everybody just… dies at the end. What’s the message – is there supposed to be a point in that or is it just to make people sad? And what was Hamlet’s deal anyway, I didn’t get that.”

They’re walking in direction of a restaurant which has takeout and a varied selection of dishes. It’s dark outside by now, the streetlights lighting everything up in white, yellow and orange – there have been so many things lately that makes Kageyama think of Hinata, like the colours of the light contrasted with their long shadows.

“Surprisingly intellectual questions coming from you.” Kageyama quips.

“You know, when you say things like that, you sound like Tsukishima.”

Kageyama has never been more insulted in _his entire life_.

“Shut the fuck up, don’t compare me to him.” The glare he gives Hinata could curdle milk.

“Alright, jeez, I’m sorry – now please explain your nerd stuff, I know you want to.” Hinata hold up his hands defensively and grins.

“…Ok, so first you need to take in consideration how tragedy works as a genre. Then you have to think about the fact that Hamlet was written around 1600. In the tragedies from ancient Greece, the plays were a lot more action-oriented, the plot was the most important part; characters weren’t really as important or fleshed out. Then in the renaissance an isolated, reflective and doubting individual was introduced – Hamlet is the prime example of a character like that. Shakespeare both carries tragedy as a genre forward from the classics, and renews it – mixing genres like tragedy and comedy was regarded as a shit thing to do earlier.” Kageyama pauses to gather his thoughts, kicking stones as they walk down the street.

“Yeah, I’m hearing a lot of talk but no actual answer.”

“Shut up, I’m getting to it. So, in the renaissance you have a revival of things like philosophy and art right, humanism is a big deal – and everybody is dealing with big questions about death, life, god, reality and so on – and Hamlet is in many ways a personification of those things. When he speaks to Ophelia about her being beautiful but empty, that’s a reflection of those times, of _vanitas_ – it symbolises that earthly life, materialistic goods and things like beauty are meaningless and will decay eventually. Many would say death is the main theme in Hamlet, and it is present from the start until the end.”

“So… He’s kind of a metaphor for a lot of the ideas from that time?” Hinata asks discerningly.

“Yeah! Or, well, you can interpret it that way? People disagree on this – he’s probably one of the most discussed characters ever, but I mean, that’s what I like to think. He’s a very complex character though, so it’s something worth discussing. As for the whole everybody dies part, that’s how tragedies work, more often than not. I could go back to Aristoteles and the components of tragedy and hamartia but I think the easiest way to explain it is just… It’s believed that by experiencing emotions like fear and sadness because you get invested in the play, you will end up purging those emotions from your system – that’s what Aristoteles called catharsis. So it’s the point to make you sad, yeah, but in a good way.”

“Hmm… I don’t know if I get every part of what you said, but I think I understand a bit more. Haha, you get so excited about this stuff though! It’s nice to see you like this.” Hinata grins.

“How is that nice?”

“Well, it’s kinda cute.”

“Don’t say weird things you idiot!” Kageyama can feel his cheeks heating up, and punches Hinata’s arm. Hard.

“Wow, don’t hit people for complimenting you, bakageyama!”

“I didn’t ask you to compliment me.” They stop outside the restaurant.  
“Let’s just go order.”

 

After they get the food, they go back to the apartment where Hinata is currently living together with a girl named Yachi – who is Kiyoko-san’s girlfriend.

Kageyama is curious to what kind of girl who would both be best friends with Hinata and in a relationship with someone like Kiyoko-san, and he’s not disappointed.

Yachi is sweet and somewhat awkward – she’s intimidated by Kageyama at first, but seems to relax a bit when she realizes he is just as uncomfortable as her (more, probably).

Hinata has a dumb grin on his face the entire time while Kageyama is talking to Yachi, which pisses him off, but also makes him feel that strange fluttering feeling in his stomach again.

They eat together while talking about various topics – Hinata the most active participant in the conversation, until Yachi asks a question about the play they saw, and then Kageyama has to hold himself back so he doesn’t end up holding an entire lecture.

It’s nice. They spend quite some time talking, and right before Kageyama leaves Yachi asks to exchange phone numbers – saying goodbye to both her and Hinata, Kageyama goes home feeling like maybe he made another friend.

This is the first time it hits him just how lonely he’s been the past... years, really.

 

Things have been getting more stressful at practice lately – in the way that the tempo just seems to change when people realize that this is an actual thing that is happening at some time in the near future, and not just an abstract concept they’ve been talking about.

“We’re going to add up the number of times we meet for practice – I _strongly_ encourage everyone to show up – the time for our premiere is closing in faster than we think.” Daichi says, a bit ominously.

“We ought to do something fun as well! Loosen up. Stressing out about everything will just lead to more mistakes, so let us do some commedia dell'arte or improvisation or something.” Nishinoya proposes, getting enthusiastic hoots from Tanaka and Hinata.

Hinata, Tanaka and Nishinoya are much the same type when it comes to what genre their natural ability lies within – Brecht’s epic theatre, commedia dell’arte and improvisation.

‘ _Maybe children’s theatre,_ ’ Kageyama muses.

Anything with dynamic, big movements – Brecht did sometimes have complicated themes and dialogue, yes, but things like the _verfremdungseffekt_ and the exaggerated characterizations were all things right up those three’s alley.

“I don’t know if that’s…” Daichi trails of when Sugawara leans in and whispers something in his ear.  
“… Alright, I guess we could spend half an hour on something else.”

“ _Whipped_.” Tsukishima says under his breath, careful not to be overheard by Sugawara or Daichi. Yamaguchi giggles nervously.

 

It is nearing the end of this day’s practice.

Kageyama is spacing out, thinking about how Hinata seems to brighten up a room just by being in it – his eyes follow the other man having an animated conversation with Nishinoya.

 _‘But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Hinata is the sun.’_ Realizing what he just thought to himself, his absent-minded expression changes into a frown.

 _‘Yeah, ok, Hinata is actually pretty attractive, but he’s also really annoying, and he smells nice and he’s nice and I want to… What do I want to do? What? What.’_ Kageyama is distracted from his internal freak-out by the sound of someone laughing under their breath, and turns around to see Tsukishima’s smug face smirking at him.

“What the _fuck_ are you looking at?” Kageyama bites out.

Tsukishima raises an eyebrow pointedly. “Not much.”

“I’ll leave you to… _Yearn_ in peace.”

Glaring at Tsukishima’s back as he walks away, Kageyama weights the pros and cons of homicide.

 

That weekend Kageyama and Hinata had agreed to hang out at Kageyama’s place – to watch some movies, maybe play some Mario Kart with Kozume.

Kageyama is looking through his movie collection for something appropriate – he has many different films stuffed into the bookshelves in his rooms. Right now he’s trying to decide if fantasy or sci-fi is a better idea – he’ll steer away from the more high-brow, classical stuff for a while.

“Kenma texted me earlier – he’ll join us later. So, we’ll be alone. Maybe we could watch something romantic.” Hinata suggests, running his fingers over the titles of the DVDs.

Kageyama frowns at him.

“… I guess? I don’t have that many romantic comedies or anything, there aren’t that many with good actin-“

“Wow, are you being dense on purpose?” Hinata chides, putting his hands on his hips and frowning at Kageyama.

“Dense about _what_ , dumbass?” Kageyama snaps back. Who does Hinata think he is, talking to him like -

“Dense about me liking you, bakageyama!”

Kageyama stops mid-sentence, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.

“Uh.” He says, eloquently.

“Yeah, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure you like me back. I wanted to give you time to figure it out on your own but you were taking forever, so I decided not to wait any longer!”

Hinata sounds awfully smug, and normally Kageyama would be annoyed, but he is still dumbstruck by the situation and his heart feels like it’s trying to escape from his chest.

“I… You’re… You’re not joking?” Kageyama asks, voice small and uncertain – this is all happening so fast, and some part of him is afraid this is a practical joke. Not that he thinks Hinata would be that cruel, but…

“Of course not, I would never joke about this.” The expression on Hinata’s face is the intense, almost scary one he gets at times – where it’s like his entire vibe changes. And Kageyama _believes_ him, and that means…

“Yeah. I mean, yes, I like you too.”

And then there is a hand at his neck, urging him to bend down a little, and suddenly there are warm lips moving against his. Still surprised and confused about the situation, Kageyama decides to just go with it – this is something he wants, even if he’s been trying to deny it.

Relaxing into the kiss, he opens his mouth when Hinata swipes his tongue over his lips and moves in closer. Arms wrap around his waist, and he puts one hand into Hinata’s soft, unruly hair.

Suddenly he’s being pulled down to the ground, Hinata being stronger than he looks.

“Aren’t we… Moving a bit fast?” Kageyama blinks slowly, thinking about how it’s only been a little while since Hinata confessed.

“Do you want to stop?” Hinata asks seriously, removing his hands from Kageyama’s waist.

“No! I mean, I just – do you want to…” Kageyama does a vague gesture, and Hinata nods. “Mm, yeah, I want to fuck you.”

His cheeks are suddenly burning red hot and Kageyama hides his face into his hands while Hinata chuckles.

Pulling Kageyama’s hands away from his face, Hinata starts planting small kisses on his brow, eyelid, nose, cheeks before he trails down to his neck.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do this?” Hinata mumbles between kisses, sliding one hand up under Kageyama’s t-shirt.

“I bet… That it’s not as long as I’ve wanted to.” Kageyama puts his hands on Hinata’s shoulders and pushes him down to the ground, moving so he’s straddling his hips.

“Ah.” Hinata’s hands settle on Kageyama’s lower back, slowly sliding downwards. He grins up at him.  
“That’s how you want to play it, huh?”

Kageyama simply nods and bends down for a kiss, putting his hands up in Hinata’s soft hair and tangling his fingers in it. How long has he wanted to do that?

Time feels like it’s moving strangely, because suddenly Kageyama is shirtless and he can’t really recall having removed his t-shirt – but soon Hinata’s hands on his nipples distract him from the thought.

It feels like it is of utmost importance that the other man also removes his clothing, however, so Kageyama wordlessly conveys it by tugging on his shirt.

Hinata gets the hint and sits up enough to pull it off, and then he’s suddenly biting and kissing at Kageyama’s clavicle, clearly with the intention of leaving a mark.

The thought makes blood flood to Kageyama’s cheeks.

“Hinata. I – ah. I want…” He trails of in a moan, and Hinata stops his kissing for a second.

“What do you want?”

Kageyama shivers at the look on Hinata’s face, how blown his pupils are, half-lidded and fiery. He can’t say it however, so he grabs one of Hinata’s hands and places it back on his ass.

Hinata raises an eyebrow, and Kageyama can see how his eyes turn darker as a smile spreads across his face.

“Are you sure? We can wait since it’s your f-“

“I’m sure.” Kageyama cuts him off, frowning. His cheeks are still red, and discussing this is embarrassing.

Hinata pulls a bottle of lube from his pocket, and a small part of Kageyama is pissed that he presumed to bring that with him – but another part realizes Hinata may have been carrying lube around all the time, and feels embarrassed ( _who does that?)._

They spend some time removing the rest of their clothes, and when Kageyama settles into Hinata’s lap again, they’re both completely naked.

“This would be easier if you turned around,” Hinata says with a mischievous grin. Kageyama can’t help his glaring, but he turns around anyway. He’s half-hard already, and suddenly there is a slightly calloused hand on his dick.

Surprised, Kageyama lets out a loud moan before he can stop himself, and slaps a hand over his mouth, scowling over his shoulder back at Hinata.

“Of course you would be making frowny faces during sex.” Hinata smiles and presses his forehead against Kageyama’s back.

“I like it though. It’s cute.”

“Shut up. Get on with it.”

“Bossy.” Hinata pouts, but opens the lube and pours some out on his fingers. Then he experimentally presses his index finger against Kageyama’s opening, and it glides in almost effortlessly.

“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” Hinata comments, entering another finger. “You’ve been doing this to yourself.”

Kageyama shudders at that, feels his body turning hotter, the flush in his face spreading down to his shoulders, electric sensations spreading from his spine to other limbs.

“Yeah.” He answers quietly, holding back his sounds as best as he can.

“Mm, that’s hot.” Three fingers now, sliding in and out easily, and Kageyama is starting to feel impatient.

“I’m ready.” Kageyama declares, waiting for Hinata to pull his fingers out so he can turn around. The emptiness inside him aches now, so he lubes up Hinata’s erection quickly, and situates himself so he’s straddling him.

Kageyama reaches back with one hand to grab Hinata’s dick, so he can sink down on it more easily, controlling the pace. When the head enters through the ring of muscle both men groan in unison. Kageyama steadies himself by grabbing Hinata’s shoulders, feeling the well-rounded muscle under his hands, and slowly sinking down onto his dick. ~~~~

“You’re doing so well,” Hinata encourages, stroking up and down Kageyama’s tights where the muscles are taut with tension, intensifying his blushing.

“S-shut up,” Kageyama grits out, grinding down with more force and feeling slightly spiteful satisfaction when Hinata groans in response.

When he’s flush with Hinata’s pelvis, he takes a couple seconds to gather his breath, before lifting himself up again mostly using the strength of his legs. They moan in unison – feeling Hinata slide out again is just as intense as the descent.

Hinata is still mumbling praise and stroking Kageyama’s sides, and while it’s nice, it’s not what he wants right now – so he shoves at Hinata’s chest until the other man reclines on the bed.

Kageyama takes a deep breath and supports himself by placing his hands on Hinata’s chest – the other man looking up at him with dark, surprised eyes.

Then Kageyama lifts his hips up again before slamming down without warning. The startled moan from Hinata is gratifying, as Kageyama starts to ride him into oblivion. He throws his head back and closes his eyes, focusing on the sensation of being filled and stretched, his blood burning hot and making him flushed all over.

He can feel a contraction low in his stomach, tension in all of his limbs, he looks down to see Hinata glance up at him with half-lidded eyes.

He is so close, he’s coming –

and then Kageyama wakes up, sweaty and with sticky underwear.

Rage and shame fills him up to the brim, and a small part of him wants to cry. But for the most part, he wants to find Hinata and scream at him. ‘ _And kiss him,_ ’ he realizes with horror.

 _‘Fuck. I have a crush on Hinata.’  
_  Kageyama couldn’t deny it to himself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing would please me more than people thinking the dream was an actual thing that happened. Did I trick someone? Please tell me if you were tricked, I will live on it ‘til I’m a hundred years old. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> I’m all for Kageyama giving up control once in a while because wow does that dude need to relax a bit, but power bottom Tobes is also very awesome so I figured hey, I can do whatever I want. I can write all the things. Fight me. So far he has gotten it on w/ his hand and w/ his subconscious… 
> 
> The chapter title was supposed to be 'I had a dream about you' from the Richard Siken poem, but I figured this line worked just as well and was less obvious. 
> 
> I'm sorry about Kageyama’s long paragraphs about tragedy, I love tragedies A LOT? I could discuss them for fun all the time. Also I figured that it feels more authentic if Kageyama has actual knowledge about these things – sorry if it was boring with the random genre lesson in the middle of the fic. Also! The lady Macbeth essay is by by L.C. Knights.


	6. "Learn to be your one companion"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama has emotions. And other things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update has been somewhat late compared to the other ones – I’m currently overwhelmed by life.

Is this the peripety in his story? Kageyama stares up at the ceiling in his room, the plain white uncomfortably bright and sharp to his eyes.

This is all Hinata’s fault. Kageyama didn’t ask for these… feelings. this was _Hinata’s doing_ with his dumb smile, and his messy, orange hair which makes Kageyama think of autumn and sunshine and oranges, and his brown eyes which makes him think of chocolates and the coffees they’ve had together. _Ugh_.

This is because of the way he plays volleyball and how his acting is brilliant and inspired when he’s improvising, how he’s the first person in who knows how long who’s made an effort to be liked by Kageyama, to understand him.

How he’s already been changing Kageyama’s life. How he is probably the closest, if not only, friend Kageyama has, and that’s why these feelings can’t ruin what they have – Kageyama didn’t want to fall in love in the first place, but he is going to _crush_ these feelings before they develop into something more.

But first, he is going to lie in bed and _wallow in despair_.

 _‘It’s just so_ dumb _. Why Hinata? Why **now**? I’ve been doing fine – OK, so I was lonely for a while, but that was changing and now I might be ruining it with stupid feelings. I don’t even know Hinata’s opinion on homosexuals – I don’t know if he’s_ _straight or **anything**.’_ Kageyama silently berates himself for not having asked more questions when Hinata mentioned having been in relationships earlier.

He has a playlist on shuffle in the background, so that he has a suitable soundtrack for his suffering - it’s melodramatic, but Kageyama never pretended he couldn’t be theatrical at times. Right now, the song playing is from Phantom of the Opera; _Learn to Be Lonely_ hits a bit too close to home.

Kageyama sings softly under his breath, imagining himself as the Phantom… Does that mean Hinata would be Christine? He tries to imagine the other man in one of Christine’s costumes, and feels laughter bubbling up inside. Then he imagines the reverse – and he’s cracking up.

This was getting silly – he is practically hysterical right now. Suddenly there is a knock on his bedroom door.

“Yes?” He says, quickly drying the few tears that escaped during his laughing fit.

The door opens, and Kozume glances in warily.

“… Hi.” He stares at Kageyama for a moment. “Are you alright? You’ve been playing loud music all day. Do you…. Want to watch a movie or something?”

Kageyama blinks, feeling surprised – and glad.

“Yeah. That would be nice.” He mumbles, a little embarrassed. Kozume seems to be feeling the same way, and they avoid eye contact as they settle into the living room, trying to choose what movie to watch.

In the end, they settle on watching Moulin Rouge, and Kageyama does not cry – but he kind of wants to, at some point. They watch most of the movie in silence, and strangely enough, that helps – Kozume has a sort of calm, soothing air about him, so even if there is no actual conversation with consolations, it still feels like he’s reassuring Kageyama somehow.

Halfway through the movie, Kuroo joins them and the mood changes into something less serene and more like… How having a normal movie night with normal friends is like, probably. So Kageyama doesn’t mind all that much – and it feels like maybe things will be alright after all.

 

Kageyama kind of feels like he has to puke. He’s walking underneath the trees full of decomposing leaves, and panic is roaring in his ears like the sound of distant rain, like the ocean beating against cliffs.

Kageyama rarely experiences anxiety – yeah, he has situations he’s uncomfortable with and would like to avoid, and sometimes things happen where he feels on edge. That’s natural for everyone. However, it is not often he feels like there is something heavy and _wrong_ in his stomach, as if his skin is too tight and like he can’t breathe right. It feels like he has a cold but not, and it is pissing him off.

The reason why he is nervous is, of course, Hinata – and thus another reason why Hinata is _stupid_ and _shitty._

_‘…Only he’s not. Damn it.’_

Kageyama arrives at practice, and for the first time since he started in the company, he wishes he could be somewhere else.

That only serves to fuel his anger - these emotions are uncomfortable and he wants them gone, but he can live with feeling awkward and unwanted desire. However, _nothing_ is allowed to come in the way of his acting.

Practice proceeds much like normal, but Kageyama knows he’s off his game – he’s spacing out a lot, and half the time he catches himself glaring intensely at Hinata, who’s already started to send quizzical glances his way.

He has to fight hard to keep the blush at bay, remembering that _stupid dream from hell,_ obstinately pretending to himself that he is not wondering what touching Hinata like that would really feel like – would his hands have those callouses, would his hair be that soft?

Shaking the thoughts off – with a physical shudder which results in a worried look from Yamaguchi – Kageyama resolves to throw himself into his work – emotions can be useful tools, he can tap into them and turn them into something creative instead of the burden they are right now. He can draw on this heartache and want when he’s acting – and maybe even use it as a source of inspiration to write a play, or continue on his unfished works.

His favourites are the tragedies after all – and while he is no Phaedra, his love feels just as unattainable as hers – and like all people with the curse of Venus, if he acts on his feelings he too will join the ranks of people losing everything, the scorned lovers, the victims of fate, or of their own hamartia.

He sits down in a corner to work with his monologues – they’ve already done some run-throughs of the scenes earlier, so he feel confident in the physical aspects of most of the scenes. His pronunciation is not quite perfect yet though, so he sets to work with reading the lines first normally, then with a wine cork in his mouth, and then without it again. It’s a trick he learned early by theatre instructors he had as a child, and it’s always been useful.

Kageyama spends some time doing this, but suddenly there is a ruckus next to him, startling him out of his concentration. Hinata is goofing off with Tanaka and Noya, yelling and fencing with painting brushes – the sight is making Kageyama see red.

“Would you take this seriously, dumbass Hinata? Do you want this to end up like Spiderman the musical? They didn’t rehearse enough and some actors _died_ , Hinata. They lost their lives.” Kageyama bites out, slamming his manuscript down pointedly.

“I don’t think anybody died.” Hinata blinks at him. “Also, we’re not doing air-acrobatics.”

“We _should,_ though.” Noya comments from where he and Tanaka were supposed to be painting one of the background drops – instead all three men are slathered with painting.

“That’s beside the point – we don’t have as much time as we think until the premiere, and you guys slacking off is going to ruin _everything_.” Kageyama says while storming away, mentally bidding his dignity farewell.

He’s doing it again, he’s going to push everyone away from him by being too intense and angry, because they don’t get it – they don’t understand that some people take this seriously – that to _some people_ theatre is their _entire life_.

Kageyama is however not so lacking in self-awareness that he doesn’t understand he’s being unfair and too strict at times – it’s just that the realization comes too late, and in the moment he often acts and speaks without thinking. And he is _mad_ at Hinata, even though he knows logically the other man has done nothing wrong.

He feels awkward now – he stormed away all dramatically, but he doesn’t want to leave practice early, so he spends the rest of the practice just hovering around places as far away from Hinata as possible.

After they wrap up for the day, Kageyama hurries away instead of stopping and chatting with Hinata as has become a habit for them – he knows that Hinata will notice the weird behaviour, but he hopes that he will let it slide today, so Kageyama can spend some more time mentally preparing – he needs to act like nothing has changed.

Kageyama doesn’t know if he’ll be able to act completely naturally around Hinata again, but he’s going to try – the reason why this crush sucks is not only that he’s afraid to be hurt and rejected, but primarily because he does not want to lose his friend.

Sighing heavily to himself as he walks into his apartment, he freezes when he sees one of the least probable people to ever be in his living room standing there.

 _‘Is this some kind of divine punishment?’_ Kageyama feels faint.

“Oh my! What a surprise – Tobio-chan.” A sharp smile on his face, Oikawa is standing in the middle of the room, body language unperturbed – as if he belongs here.

Kageyama blinks a couple of times, just to check if this is a vision and if he’s just imagining things, but no.

“Oikawa-san… Why are you here?” Kageyama thinks back to when Hinata randomly appeared in his living room that one time – is he destined to meet people this way?

“I’m visiting a friend – it’s a surprise though! One of your roommates let me in – short, quiet, cat-like?”

Iwaizumi walks into the room at that point, and comes to a full stop.

“Iwa-chan! ~” Oikawa coos.

“No.” Iwaizumi looks completely stone-faced. “How did you find me? There is a reason why I didn’t tell you where I live, I don’t want you hanging around here and bothering me, I need peace to study.”

“So mean, Iwa-chan! And I followed you.” Oikawa puts his finger to his cheek and smiles sweetly. Iwaizumi simply sighs and shakes his head in defeat.

“You stalked me? I’m actually not even surprised. Well, since you’re already here…” Iwaizumi sighed and made a hand gesture for Oikawa to follow him into this room.

Kageyama stands in the living room, wondering what the hell just happened. Oikawa is someone Kageyama used to act with – they both took drama classes for youths at the same theatre a couple years ago, and while Kageyama had always respected the other man, they hadn’t been on good terms either.

Oikawa had been a more traditional choice for most parts – Kageyama was regarded as more innovative and as a more gifted actor, but he didn’t do all that well with the other people at the theatre. Oikawa had more experience and was better at ensemble-play, as well as better liked and charming off-stage.

Kageyama had eventually ended up with the main part which both he and Oikawa had been striving for though, right before Oikawa had to quit those classes because he had reached the upper age limit.

Kageyama feels pretty sure the other man is still resentful about that, and unsure how to feel about him hanging around in his home. At least this answers why Iwaizumi seemed familiar – if he is a friend of Oikawa’s, Kageyama had probably seen him around the theatre back then.

 

As time passes, Kageyama is starting to feel desperate – he still has difficulties acting normal around Hinata, and he knows Hinata’s becoming suspicious because Kageyama is distancing himself and being grumpy (more than usual, at least).

Kageyama knows this, but that doesn’t stop the feeling of his stomach drop when he gets a new text one evening.

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_ok so do u want to explain y uve been acting like a shit for like the past days? (_ _ᗒᗣᗕ_ _)_ _՞_ _because i was gonna wait and see if u got it out of ur system on ur own but apparently NOT and honestly ur probably gonna give urself an ulcer with all the glaring u do. ( >д<)_’

He stares at his phone as if it has personally wronged him for the longest time. Should he answer? He has to answer – ignoring it or playing dumb wouldn’t work. What should he say though; maybe he could play it off as having felt sick the past days? No, that wouldn’t work either.

‘ **From:** Kageyama  
_Not really? Stuff is happening. But I don’t really want to talk about it._ ’

He feels hopeless right now, sitting in his semi-dark room.

‘ **From:** Kageyama  
_I’m sorry._ ’

Yes, that probably reassured Hinata and would _totally_ make him back off the issue.

Good job, Kageyama.  

 

It comes as no surprise to Kageyama when Hinata shows up outside the auditorium after his lecture, even though he had hoped it might not happen.

The other man actually looks worried, which hits Kageyama with a solid dose of guilt as well as the other unpleasant emotions that have been haunting him lately. He opens his mouth to speak – but Hinata holds up a hand to stop him.

“Wait – I need to say this first ok? It’s important. Look, whatever it is that crawled up your ass and died – take your time. You can talk to me if you want to, or not, just please stop avoiding me ok? If it’s something I’ve done, tell me, and if not then get the weird out of your system so we can do fun stuff together again. Like,” and Hinata shoves his phone in Kageyama’s face, where there is a Facebook event for some party “-this. You obviously need to blow off steam in general; this recent behaviour is just making it more urgent. So… Please join me?”

Kageyama frowns at the blue and white of the event page, thinking – he didn’t really go to parties, but that wasn’t because he minded them or didn’t drink or anything.

It’s just kind of hard to attend things you weren’t invited to, and he almost never felt like he could take the time away from his creative work to get drunk.

But this was Hinata extending a branch ( _when he had done nothing wrong_ ), and the languid feeling and temporary happiness alcohol could bring him did sound tempting.

“Yeah. Ok, I’ll go.” He replies at last, and Hinata flashes a bright grin.

“Awesome! I’ll invite you to the Facebook event – you should check your social media sites more often, by the way. You almost never answer anywhere; I always have to text you.”

Kageyama shrugs. He doesn’t really frequent those sites, because it’s not like he has a wide network of people he has to keep connected to, and he has more important things to pay attention to anyway.

“Alright, so… Since I’m here anyway, do you want to go get some coffee?” Hinata looks just the right amount of hopeful, almost like a fluffy dog asking you to toss for it, so Kageyama can’t find it in his heart to say no. The realization that he’s becoming weak to Hinata’s… charm is alarming.

He spends the rest of the afternoon together with Hinata at their usual café.

Kageyama gets some schoolwork done as well, through explaining some things related to theatre history to Hinata, thus reviewing his homework.

After they’ve said goodbye and Kageyama is walking home, he realizes that after some time spent in Hinata’s proximity, he was able to act more or less natural again – the crush was still present but it’s like Kageyama is adapting to it. When Hinata smiled or did something stupid ( _cute_ ) like getting cream on his nose, the skip in his heartbeat didn’t make Kageyama want to cry, which he counts as an improvement.

 

Next day at practice, Kageyama feels more on top of things – he’s a little distracted at times, yeah, but he hasn’t tried to throw any of the props at Hinata, and he’s only yelled at Tsukishima two times, which is understandable to everyone.

Which is why it’s a surprise when Sugawara gently guides him to the side of the room and asks if he’s ok.

“I’m… Yeah? I think so, I mean – why do you ask.” Kageyama feels skittish by the sudden questioning, and by the sympathetic and understanding look on the other man’s face – is this some form of intervention? He likes Sugawara, but he doesn’t talk _frequently_ to anyone in the company besides Hinata.

“You do realize that we care about you, right? I consider you a friend, and so does everyone in the company.” Sugawara must notice Kageyama’s sceptical look, and gives a sheepish laugh.

“Alright, everyone may be a slight exaggeration – Tsukishima wouldn’t admit to being friendly with any of us, expect maybe Yamaguchi – but my point still stands. I can’t help but to feel you’ve always been distancing yourself from us – maybe unknowingly – but you don’t have to do that.”

Kageyama hesitates, and Sugawara continues.

“Why don’t you join me after practice and we can sit down and have a talk? I know things have been bothering you lately,” Sugawara says gently, but sensing Kageyama’s reluctance, he adds “-and if you’d rather not talk about it, that’s fine too. Just letting you know that you do have friends here, if you want them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Learn To Be Lonely - in other words, guess who watched The Phantom of the Opera the other day. Hint: it me. This chapter was almost as melodramatic as Kageyama, I’m sorry. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> I can’t resist waxing poetics, and I’m kind of sad.
> 
> PS: the wine cork thing is true, try it. Does wonder for pronunciation, I did it all the time when working on dialogues/monologues – useful for learning language as well.  
> Oh, also the Spiderman-thing drew inspiration from http://www.crazytownblog.com/crazytown/2012/08/the-newsroom-musical-theatre-references-1.html#sthash.V82aGjfm.dpuf.


	7. "To pull my ribs apart…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama socializes, and later he's three sheets to the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features brief mentions of characters that are made up by me. But like, really brief. Because the volley-children cannot exist in a vacuum. Also tw: for descriptions of a panic attack. And alcohol. I've resolved to wait with adding more tags until the fic is finished.

Kageyama somehow ends up at Sugawara’s apartment, due to the other man’s gentle but firm… badgering, really.

“Feel free to sit wherever you’d like.” Sugawara says, gesturing to the simply decorated living room. Soft, light colours and different types of green plants are the main traits of the room, although the walls do have a couple of picture frames containing friends and family. Kageyama gazes at one where Sugawara and Daichi are grinning together in black high school uniforms, arms slung around each other’s shoulders.

“Do you want something to drink? I have water, tea, coffee and some kind of sports drink.”

“Um, tea’s nice. Thanks.” Kageyama sat down in the light grey couch.

“You’re nervous.” Sugawara smiles. “There’s no need to be, I’m just trying to be friendly.” He laughs softly and scratches the side of his nose. “Well, I guess declaring I want to be friendly and scheduling a casual talk might be kind of unnerving, I apologize for that.”

Kageyama shrugs, feeling his face heat up a little.

“It’s fine – I mean, it’s nice that you want to talk to me, I – anyway, this situation just kind of makes me feel like I’m about to have a student-teacher conference.”

“Ha! Well, I’ve been thinking about maybe becoming a teacher at some point, so I’m going to take that as a compliment. I don’t have the same kind of leadership-skills like Daichi, but I’ve been called a ‘caretaker’ more often that might be flattering. I just know that I’m not the kind of person who could make a living by acting.” Sugawara drifts into the kitchen, which is separated from the living room by a half wall, and puts on some water while talking.

He leans against the wall while waiting for the water to boil.

“You know… I’m glad we have someone like you to play roles that are more challenging – I admit that I get scared at times, while you seem like you always naturally adapt to whatever character you end up with.” His gaze is at something outside the window, and Kageyama feels awkward – how do you deal with this kind of direct praise?

“Um. Thanks.”

Sugawara smiles.  
“That does not mean I’m going to stop competing with you for roles though! I think we both have our strengths – I am just trying to convey that I admire you.”

“You’re… I admire your acting abilities as well – especially, uh, the fact that you take it seriously and that you’re hard-working.” The words taste almost bitter in Kageyama’s mouth, like the after-taste of coffee. Not because they’re not true, but because this entire situation feels so foreign and new to him – is saying something nice to people supposed to feel this strange? He doesn’t know how to be kind.

“Thank you.” Sugawara says, as though it’s that easy, and Kageyama can relax a little. The water is boiling now, and soon they’re both sitting with a cup of tea each – some kind of lemon and cherry blend. It smells very nice, almost candy-like, tart but sweet.

They sit in relaxed silence for a few moments, before Sugawara puts down his tea and _looks_ at Kageyama.

“So. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

Kageyama is silent for a while, debating with himself. On one hand, he really wants to talk with someone about this, and Sugawara is probably the best option he has. On the other hand, he would also like to pretend this is not happening, and ignore it, and never mention it to anyone ever. He knows what’s the healthy way to deal with it is though, and Sugawara’s gentle look wins out in the end.

“Alright. I like, well, I am in love with… a person, and I don’t want to like that person.”

Sugawara nods. He does not seem surprised at all.  
“You know.” He pauses, gathering his words. “I feel like you’re not always that observant towards people outside studying them for acting purposes, which is why I… Well, you know, if you have a crush on a man it would be perfectly fine to talk about it to me – this may come as a surprise to you, but Daichi and I have been dating for several years.”

Kageyama sits there thunderstruck.

“Wait – what? Really?”

Sugawara nods with a slight smile.

“Oh. Uh. Congratulations?” That actually explains a couple things.

“Thank you! We’ve been friends even longer than we’ve been together though, and we don’t really flash it around at practice – it would be unprofessional first of all, and secondly we’re not all that into PDA – especially since the reality is that it’s not always safe if you don’t know what the people around you think about it… But I’m _pretty sure_ no one in the company has any issues with it.” Sugawara says with a look in his eyes that makes Kageyama feel like he knows something he doesn’t.

“But wait – since you say that it’s fine if I have a crush on a guy, does that mean you – uh.” Kageyama’s feeling pretty mortified right now.

“Ah, I may have an inkling of who you’re interested in, yes.” Sugawara says, not unkindly. “That being said, I don’t you need to worry as much as you do. I’m sure Hinata is fine with it if you decide to tell him. Maybe more than fine with it.”

Kageyama startles when the name Hinata is spoken, and then just feels confused by what Sugawara is saying. Is he trying to imply… No, that’s dumb.

“Anyway, I’m not going to bother you any more with that subject – I’m glad you opened up to me though, I know these things are hard to talk about sometimes. How are you feeling about how the play is turning out?”

They spend some more time just talking, and then after a discussion about movies they end up watching Coffee & Cigarettes.  It’s nice, and Kageyama promises himself to hang out with Sugawara more – maybe he will be less awkward next time as well.

… Well, he can hope.

 

Kageyama and Hinata agreed to meet up before the party – Hinata is the one who knows the way, and if he’s completely honest, Kageyama doesn’t know if he’d actually attended at all if he had to do it at his own initiative.

Seeing Hinata standing there in his grey coat with his nose and cheeks flushed from the cold, Kageyama feels like someone’s squeezing his heart. The sensation is unpleasant but somehow also thrilling. God, he hates being in love.

“Hi!” Hinata greets him enthusiastically. “Man, I was kinda worried you wouldn’t show up. I figured you would send me a text if you chickened out though, but still.”

Kageyama frowns at him.  
“I said yes, didn’t I? Why would I change my mind now? Stupid.”

Hinata just shrugs, and gesticulates for Kageyama to follow him with a grin. He’s carrying a bag which is obviously filled with alcoholic beverages, from the clinking sounds that arise from it.

Kageyama falls in step next to Hinata, walking in silence for a couple of minutes. They’re on the brink of winter now, and even with the light pollution from the streetlights he can see the stars clearly. The air is crisp and stings his nose – he feels more at ease with the cold air clearing his head, making him feel a bit normal again.

His heart still feels funny when he glances at Hinata but maybe it will be ok with time, or it might pass. The thought of being around lots of people is starting to feel unappealing – he doesn’t want to disturb the peace he’s experiencing in this moment, like he is frozen in this little moment in time with Hinata.

“It should be only five minutes more or so.” Hinata says, and Kageyama inexplicably feels a tiny bit of loss. The moment is gone however, and the silence dissolve into the normal mix of chatter and bickering.

“The one hosting the party is one of your sporty friends, right?”

“Yeah, Kouji – he’s a soccer player. But there will be lots of different people; it’s not a sports-club related party or anything.”

Kageyama nods silently.

After a minute or so Hinata steers them up towards an apartment complex. They ring the doorbell and wait a few moments before a tall man with dark, spiky hair and thick eyebrows opens the door.

“Shouyou, you made it!” He grins and exchanges a one-armed hug with Hinata.  
“And this must be Kageyama – I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Kouji – come in, you two.”

That is more than a little alarming to Kageyama, but he just nods and says hello as he and Hinata step inside the hallway. It’s pretty noisy inside, the music is loud and bass-heavy and Kageyama can hear lots of voices from what looks like the living room.

“Ah, it’s been too long since I’ve been at a party! This is gonna be so much fun.” Hinata grins at him, and Kageyama gives an uncertain nod. He’s going to _try_ to let go a little, at least. After they’ve put away their shoes and coats, Hinata eagerly tugs Kageyama with him into the living room.  Young adults in varying degree of drunkenness stand in small groups, talking, dancing or drinking – it’s warm and smells like alcohol and too many kinds of fragrances mixed together.

Hinata says something to him, but it’s swallowed up in the other loud voices and the music.  
“What?” Kageyama angles his head down towards Hinata.

“I said: do you want to get something to drink?” Hinata replies with the kind of almost-shouting you have to use a parties. Kageyama nods in reply, and they wander into the kitchen.

For some reason people are gathered in there in huge numbers as well – and since it’s a smaller room, it’s more stuffed than the living room was. Kageyama is starting to feel itchy – being around so many people is unnerving at times, in ways that are hard to describe. It’s almost claustrophobic in a way, but more so emotionally – like there are too many demands and impressions from the people around him, maybe unconsciously for most of them, but they’re still there.

Focusing on Hinata helps though, so he accepts the plastic cup filled with cheap beer and listens to Hinata babble on about a volleyball match he saw yesterday – if this is how the evening is going to be, Kageyama can deal with that. This he can do.

He’s about one and a half beer in when the relative tranquil is broken by Hinata’s demand that they “need to play a drinking-game, c’mon Kageyama, don’t be a chicken.” There are probably things to be said about peer pressure, and being easily provoked, and _‘if your friends jump off a cliff would you do the same’_ , but Kageyama has never been good at backing down from challenges.

“Alright.” He replies instead, swallowing down the rest of his drink and getting a new one. He doesn’t drink often, so while he wouldn’t call himself a lightweight, he doesn’t exactly have a lot of tolerance build up against the stuff. He already feels slightly warm and more relaxed; things are starting to feel somewhat fussy at the edges.

Apparently Hinata had overheard someone mentioning they were going to play ‘never have I ever’ in the living room, so they wander in there and get seated in something resembling a circle – there are maybe sixteen people who’re going to participate, including Hinata and Kageyama.

Kageyama doesn’t recognize any of the people there except Kouji, but Hinata nods in greeting to a couple guys and girls in the circle.

“Alright!” Kouji claps his hands together and most of the chatter in their sphere fades away. “I’m going to assume not everyone has played this game before, so let’s do a quick run-through of the rules before we start – we also need to establish if we’re going to play with or without waterfall.” Several people including Hinata shout out “with!” excitedly.

“OK, a consensus has been reached. The rules of never have I ever are – we go around the circle saying a statement, for example _never have I ever drunk alcohol._ Anyone who has done that has to drink – which is why it’s preferable to say something you haven’t done, but it’s not necessary.  Waterfall is when someone yells waterfall, they start chugging their drink – the person next to them has to drink until they stop, and there’s this domino effect. The person at the end of the waterfall usually has to drink a lot, so be careful not to do it too much, alright?” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Alright, I guess I’ll start. Just give me two seconds to think of a statement.” Kouji said.

Kageyama was feeling apprehensive about this – there was a lot of potential for embarrassing situations in the game – and anyway, why would people feel compelled to tell the truth? What did they gain from actually drinking at things they’d done – or not drinking at things they hadn’t? Somehow, he feels like playing the game honestly – maybe It’s some kind of peer pressure effect – whatever it is, he’s probably going to be embarrassed.

“Ok, never have I ever fallen asleep during class.”

“Wow, way to play it safe Kouji.” A dark-haired guy seated opposite of Kageyama laughed – several people around the circle took a drink, including Kageyama and Hinata.

“Never have I ever cross-dressed.” A tan boy said. Kageyama drank at that, and noticed Hinata looking at him.

“Acting.” He felt that was a good enough explanation and Hinata nodded with an “ahh, right.”

“Never have I ever been to a strip-club.” A girl with artfully made up curls said next. Fewer people drank this time. The statements ranged from mundane to slightly risky, but as the drinking continued, people started saying raunchier things. The never have I ever had sex question arose sooner rather than later, and Kageyama saw Hinata take a drink out of the corner of his eye – the thought made him flush hot. Hinata didn’t comment on Kageyama not drinking, if he noticed.

Then the statements start getting more specific – about kinks, how many people were involved – and when Kageyama saw Hinata drink at “never have I ever slept with someone of the same gender” it felt like he had just been hit by a truck.

“You’ve – uh, you’ve fooled around with guys?” Kageyama asks in a low voice, prompting a raised eyebrow from Hinata.

“Yeah. Or well, a guy. My ex-boyfriend.” Hinata shrugs and drinks after someone says something about never having thrown up on someone.

“Ex- boyfriend? Your ex. Who is a boy?” Kageyama is slurring slightly – the alcohol is starting to kick in for real.

“Uh… Yeah? I mean I have ex-girlfriends as well – I’m bisexual. Haven’t I mentioned that before?” Hinata blinks in surprise, and Kageyama shakes his head. “Well… That’s not a problem right?”

Kageyama shakes his head again.  
“No, of course not, that would be _really_ dumb.”

Hinata stares at him for a moment before smiling and directing his attention back to the game. Kageyama felt dizzy with this new revelation – did this mean he had a chance? He wasn’t sure it really changed things though, because Hinata being attracted to _some_ guys didn’t automatically mean he would be interested in Kageyama. Also, this didn’t change that fact that it could ruin their friendship. Kageyama frowns into his beer – his chest feels tight, the way it did when he was about to go on stage, nervousness, excitement and adrenalin in equal measures. Thinking about confessing to Hinata felt like thinking about jumping off a cliff most of the time.

Fuck it - these are thoughts for sobriety. Sober thoughts. It takes some effort, but Kageyama is able to direct his attention back on the game.

“Never have I ever fantasized about having sex with someone in this room.”

 _Shit. Shit. Fuck._ Should he lie? If he drank, Hinata would totally get that it was him he had fantasized about, seeing as Kageyama didn’t know anyone else in here – Kageyama made an aborted movement with his cup when he saw that Hinata was currently chugging down his drink. That made him feels surprisingly shitty – like he had eaten something acidic which was now burning it’s way out of his sternum.

He doesn’t feel like playing any more, but stays for a few more questions before saying something to Hinata about going to the bathroom and hurrying away.

Everything feels like it’s slowly moving around in the corner of his eye, mostly because his gaze refuses to settle anywhere – he feels warm, a little nauseous and suddenly incredibly lonely as he steps out onto the balcony.

There is another man there, leaning against the railing and smoking. Kageyama avoids meeting his gaze when the other man looks over at him, staring instead of the multitude of lights he can see on the horizon – it looks as though they’re flickering, but that’s probably just his vision. When he was very young, he thought all the bright lights were stars – it made him disappointed when he found out they were only electrical lights from buildings far away. He remembers when he started to get disillusioned with the world. It might be smoke and mirrors, but theatre was at least honest about being an illusion.

This train of thought is weird. Kageyama shakes his head slightly and pulls air deep into his lungs – he realizes he’s inhaling the second-hand smoke from the other man, but he’s too drunk to care about that right now.

“Rough night?” The hoarse voice startles Kageyama out of his thoughts, and he looks at the other man for the first time. It’s dark outside, but he’s slightly illuminated by the light escaping from inside. He’s handsome in a vague kind of way – the kind of pretty who would look incredible when sculptured by stylist and photographers, but ultimately unremarkable on it’s own. Almost too symmetrical. Dark hair and plain clothes, brown eyes looking at Kageyama searchingly. With a jolt, Kageyama realizes his eyes are almost the same colour as Hinata’s – and there his thoughts have gone a full circle.

Fuck, can’t he go ten minutes without thinking about him?

“Huh? No, I just needed some air.” He replies at last, taking time forming the words slowly to avoid slurring.

“Hm, get away from the hustle and bustle? I enjoy parties, but it was starting to feel kind of high school-y in there.” The other man smiles and takes a drag of his cigarette.

“I guess.” Kageyama had in all honesty never actually been to a high school party – he had been invited to a few parties by people he did theatre with, but those were of mixed ages.

“So do you know the host?”

This man kept on talking to him for some reason – Kageyama had no reason to dislike him, and he might as well take the distraction if it was going to present itself so willingly. The air seems to help clearing his head as well, although he still feels fussy around the edges from the alcohol.

“No. A friend of the host – I don’t know anyone else here, though. I’m not sure what the people here have in common, if anything.”

“Hmm.” He looks over at Kageyama and flicks his cigarette away. “Well, I know most if not all are college students, and the general theme seems to be sports or nutritional science, although I talked to a girl doing an art degree earlier. I’m in literature myself.”

“Oh.” That sparks Kageyama’s interest. “World literature or Japanese?”

“World. I’m currently specializing in Ancient Greek and Latin texts.”

Kageyama finds himself leaning closer and notices the other man is doing so as well, frequently making eye contact. Is he- no, probably not. Right?

“I’m a theatre major – we’ve been working a lot with that era lately. Mostly theatre history, architecture and plays, although we do sometimes read things like Sappho or Catullus because lyrical influences are useful for creating plays.”  

“Ah – da mi basia mille,”

 “- deinde centum.” Kageyama finishes with a tiny smile. That was his favourite poem by Catullus, clichéd as it may be. He liked the anger and the creative swearing in _Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,_ but some of the slurs made him a little uncomfortable. “Have you seen the Catulli Carmina?”

“I’m afraid I’m more immersed in the literary aspects of these things – but I think I’ve heard some of the music. Carl Orff, right?”

Kageyama nods. “I’m not particularly active in musical theatre really, but I did work on one production of the _Trionfi_ once.”

“That does sound exciting. I haven’t introduced myself yet - I’m Hasegawa Yuto.”

“Ah, right. Kageyama Tobio. Nice to meet you.”

“So, Kageyama the theatre major… You seem like an interesting person.” Hasegawa smiles and Kageyama is starting to feel out of his depth. He did have a growing suspicion that _maybe_ this was flirting, but his cognitive skills weren’t all that sharp when he _wasn’t_ inebriated, so he couldn’t be sure.

He’s still deliberating how to respond – does he _want_ to flirt - when suddenly there is a familiar flash of orange in the corner of his eye. Hinata is standing there, flushed and full of energy, and somehow he looks more clear-headed than Kageyama despite his smaller stature. _Unfair._

“Hi! Nice to see you making friends – I need to borrow him for a second though, sorry dude. Have a nice evening.” Hinata flashes Hasegawa a smile laced with steel and tugs Kageyama with him through the living room and into the kitchen.

Kageyama follows quietly, feeling dazed and not sure of what just happened.

“You know what? We should dance.” Hinata says suddenly.

“What? You want us to dance. Here. In the kitchen?” Kageyama looks around. It’s true that the kitchen is less populated than the living room right now, and there are other people who are making awkward attempts at moving their bodies rhythmically, but…

“C’mon let loose - have some fun!” Hinata steps in a little close for comfort, and starts moving to the music.

“Uh. I can dance something that’s been choreographed, but I don’t – how do I…” Kageyama starts but trails off when Hinata laughs and puts his hands on Kageyama’s hips.

“Just follow me. Dip your hips down a little,” he uses his hands to gently guide Kageyama into moving in smooth almost-circles.

“What do I do with my hands?” Kageyama looks down, feeling blood rushing to his cheeks. He’s actually dancing with Hinata –the alcohol and the atmosphere making his limbs feel loose and relaxed, he feels light-hearted and dizzy.

“Just put them on my shoulders.” Hinata grins, and suddenly it’s like they’re a couple at prom in some kind of american teen movie. They move together a couple of songs – not all of the music is really appropriate for slow dancing, but Hinata doesn’t seem to mind so Kageyama certainly won’t complain. His chest feels somewhat achy - he can feel the heat from Hinata’s hands on his hips, and in a way they’re almost scalding him.

“I think I need a break.” Kageyama steps back a little, and Hinata moves towards the sink.

“Yeah – we should get some water probably. Water is your best friend when you’re drinking.” Hinata declares, filling up a big glass and shoving it into Kageyama’s hand. “Drink up, and then fill it up again.”

“I drink to the general joy o’ the whole table." Kageyama mumbles and gulps down the water.

“God. That was some kind of theatre reference wasn’t it. Stop being such a nerd.”

“Stop _your face_ from being such a nerd.”

“That didn’t even make any sense.” Hinata smiles at him, crinkling up at the corner of his eyes. He’s beautiful, and Kageyama is still so uncomfortable with love.

He fills up the glass again, drinking slower this time. He lets his gaze wander around the room, and suddenly he sees someone familiar. Is that? ...

Suddenly it feels like his lungs are being constricted – as if they’re too shallow to properly take in air, and his skin feels stretched too tight over his bones. Trying to calm his breathing, he nudges Hinata and motions that he needs to step outside.

“Are you OK? You look really pale.” Hinata’s brows are furrowed in worry, and Kageyama shakes his head and starts to walk towards the exit.

He’s almost by the door when he accidentally catches the eye of the person he thought he saw, and it feels like his heart is being squeezed by someone. He was right, it’s Kindaichi who looks at him with startled eyes, and then Kageyama rushes out the door.

He doesn’t go far, just wanders down the pavement for a little while and then sits down on the ground next to a shrubbery, trying to calm down. His breath is escaping in gasps, and there is a faint ringing in his ears, drowning out all other ambient sounds – breathing hurts, and it’s making him feel dizzy. He tries to hold back the tears that are swelling up in his eyes, at least. Dragging his hand across the back of his neck, he feels cold sweat.

He can hear footsteps, but between the ringing in his ears and the loud sound of his own breath, they sound far away. He can see Hinata walking down the street towards him, however. The other man looks very worried, and Kageyama feels a stab of guilt that isn’t helping with the calming down.

“I’m sorry – I just. Fuck. I saw someone I used to know and… I haven’t seen him since high school. Things didn’t end well, there was this... Um.” Kageyama drags his sleeve over his eyes to dry away the tears before they can escape.

 “Hey, it’s fine, you’re fine. You can tell me some other time if you want to. C’mon, let’s get you home.”

Hinata’s arms are gentle as he urges Kageyama to stand up, and he tries to take deep breaths and follows Hinata, trusting him to get them home safely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "Ribcage" by Elbow! It's a nice song, check it out. Also I'm sorry this took so long, I'll try to be quicker with the next one!  
> I'm trash and I love drinking games.
> 
> I laughed all the time while writing about these pretentious dickwads like, what up. Is this what I sound like at parties? Yes, tbh. Anyway I'm very stressed and stuff so there may be more mistakes than usual in the text - please let me know if something doesn't make sense or if there are any spelling mistakes and/or grammatical errors. /ollies out.


	8. ...and let the sun inside."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tragic Backstory™.

Kageyama wakes up and feels somewhat shitty. He expected as much though, his eyes red and swollen.

 _‘Not as bad as I thought though, in regards to the hangover._ ’ He sits up, and suddenly it feels like his stomach wants to escape in any way possible.

 _‘Fuck, I take that back. Bad. Bad. Really bad._ He takes deep breaths and wills the room to stop spinning, and eventually the nausea stops being so overwhelming.

 _‘I’m really hungry – is that normal? I thought people were supposed to lose their appetite when hungover, or something.’_ Well, regardless of what might be normal, Kageyama feels a strong craving for salty, fatty foods.

He has to steel himself for a couple of minutes, but eventually he manages to get out of bed, eat something and take a shower. One hour after he got up from bed he’s starting to feel like a human being again.

While he’s debating with himself between spending a lazy day in bed, reading and watching movies, or if he should get some school work done, his phone lights up with a new message.

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_hi so can we talk about what happened yesterday?_ (◕⌓◕;) _i can come over to ur place’_

‘ **From:** Hinata  
_if u don’t feel like talking that’s cool as well i’m kind of worried about u tho, u seemed p freaked out._ ~( ´•︵•` )~’ 

Kageyama hesitates for a couple of minutes, staring at his phone. Something inside him still feels raw and vulnerable after what happened yesterday, but at the same time… This isn’t something he’s talked about before – he hasn’t had anyone to talk _to_ before. And he does want to explain what happened to Hinata, even though it makes his already unsettled stomach feel even more queasy.

‘ **From:** Kageyama  
_Alright._ ’

 

Hinata arrives with a bag of fast-food burgers and fries.

“I wasn’t sure if you were the _not eat at all_ or the _soak the alcohol up with food-_ kind of hangover type, but I took a chance – if these make you want to puke I can eat them instead.” He grins.

Hinata looks a lot better than Kageyama feels, but then again he also seemed less drunk yesterday.

“No, food sounds good, thanks.”

They sit down in the living room, the atmosphere kind of strained – Kageyama is resolved to tell Hinata about why he freaked out yesterday, but he’s not going to enjoy doing so. 

“So.” He starts after he’s eaten a couple fries. “I was in this theatre group during junior high school – it was assembled mostly by teenagers who were interested in acting, so we had a lot of freedom but also a lot of responsibility I guess. We did have some volunteers who helped, parents, theatre students and some actual acting coaches, but mostly we did our things by ourselves. It wasn’t that big, we were a group of kids between 12 and 15. I was an active participant in other things as well, acting classes and such, but this group was mostly focused on putting on plays and not really learning how to act.”

Hinata is shoving fries in his mouth and nodding to encourage Kageyama to continue, even though he really doesn’t understand what this has to do with anything.

“We didn’t have an official leader really, which was probably a mistake – but I mean… we needed someone to take charge and, uh.”

“You bossed everyone around?” Hinata guesses, making Kageyama flinch.

“No! Well. Yes. Shut up.” He sighs. “I’m… passionate about acting.” He doesn’t deign himself to answer Hinata’s whispered _understatement of the century_.

“And… I just don’t understand why other people can’t work harder. Or be better? I expect the same thing from the people I work with that I expect from myself, I don’t understand why that is unfair.”

“OK, but you totally have unnaturally high demands to yourself Kageyama – and people are different about these things.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I experienced that the hard way. And I think sometimes I just… I try to say something and it comes out all wrong and then I end up hurting people or offending them when that wasn’t what I meant at all – that’s one of the things I like about theatre, you can learn your lines by heart and you can take your time when reading the dialogue. It gives you space and opportunity to understand what the characters are actually trying to say. But real life is unscripted and I’m shit at improvisation, Hinata.” Kageyama rubs at his eyes tiredly, feeling drained from this conversation already.

“Alright, let’s just get this over with. So I _may_ have been hard on the other kids in the company, and I guess some of them – including the guy I saw at the party yesterday – were growing sick of my attitude and during the last performance we had I had this scene with him and a couple of other guys. My character had been in the scene before that, and I say their cue and… Nothing. I’m alone on stage and I thought maybe they didn’t hear the cue right? So I try again, and there is this point when you can feel the audience becoming restless and I had no idea what to do and it felt like an eternity and then I just left. And there they were, backstage – they didn’t go on stage _on purpose_ , that’s how much they disliked me, that’s how much I fucked up.” Kageyama may or may not be choking up a bit right now, so he avoids looking at Hinata and concentrates on breathing.

“And that’s it. It sucked, and it was humiliating, and it was _my fault_ but I have no idea how to change, so I just trudge on stepping on everybody’s toes I guess.”

“No way!” Hinata exclaims. “Yeah, you can be bossy and grumpy at times, but that was still a real dick move! Also, you’re totally talented so aren’t you supposed to have some diva-tendencies or something? And if it helps, I do think you’re changing – you’re awkward but you’re making friends, and I know that underneath those angry eyebrows there is a kind dork who makes lame theatre references, someone who can name every character in King Lear but didn’t know Egypt is a part of Africa.”

“Who _needs_ to know that? No one is who. Shut up.” Kageyama mumbles, turning red.

“Anyway, my point is I like you a lot and I think you’re awesome, so fuck those guys! Now, how do you feel about watching a couple of _really_ bad movies with me? You can critique them as much as you want, I’ll try not to complain about you complaining even.”

It feels like Kageyama’s heart is swelling up too big for his chest. This talk went indescribably better than he imagined, even though it was still awful to dredge up those memories. He’s glad he did though.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

 

Things return to normal after the party – Kageyama pines after Hinata in silence, and works on his acting, on the play, and he’s slowly but surely getting better acquainted with other people, like Sugawara, Kozume and Yachi (and by extension, Kiyoko-san).

The premiere of the play is closing in, and while there is still some work left to do, everyone’s been working really hard so spirits are high – if everything continues to go well, it might end up one of the best productions Kageyama has been a part of so far. Which is somewhat disconcerting actually – when things go this well, he can’t help but to feel that it’s the quiet before the storm.

He’s reading through his script in preparation for the play-through they’re going to have soon, when he hears Hinata and Sugawara talking nearby.

“- just doesn’t get it, it’s so frustrating.” Hinata says, pout evident in his voice.

Sugawara laughs kindly. “Ah, well, I understand how you feel – Daichi was very… _Oblivious_ to my hints as well, in the beginning. Give it time though, and I’m sure it will turn out fine. Or you could just talk to him about it, like I’ve told you before.”

Hinata shrugs. “I don’t want to scare him away though.”

Kageyama is concentrated on the conversation when Asahi suddenly asks him a question about one of the scenes they have together, and he jumps in surprise. By the time he’s finished answering, Hinata and Sugawara seems to be done with their conversation. Kageyama cannot help but to feel curious – it sounded almost ominous. Why would Hinata be worried about scaring Daichi away? Or was he talking about someone else?

No use getting worked up about it. He shouldn’t have been eavesdropping in the first place. Pushing the questions to the back of his mind, he asks Asahi if he wants to do a read-through of the script together.

Asahi has a tendency to be typecast into playing morally ambiguous characters or even straight up villains, ironically enough. It is a stark contrast to the gentle and usually anxious man himself. Kageyama admires his acting – there is some kind of intensity in him when he steps on stage, made even clearer by the difference in actor and character.

 

For better or for worse, his apartment was much livelier now than it had been when he first moved in. Oikawa came over quite frequently, hanging around Iwaizumi like a haughty moth to a frustrated flame. Hinata showed up, sometimes to hang with Kozume, sometimes to be with Kageyama. Occasionally all three of them would do something together, and a few times Yachi came along with Hinata.

Right now, Hinata and Yachi are trying to pick what fighting game they want to play. Kozume sits on the couch, playing something on his phone and occasionally remarking something about the games, while Oikawa flits around everyone.

Kageyama still feels vaguely uncomfortable having him here, so he escapes to the kitchen for a quick breather under the guise of getting something to drink.

Iwaizumi follows him and helps carrying the glasses.

“Sometimes I feel like Oikawa spends about 80% of this time acting.” Iwaizumi says, not looking at Kageyama.

The statement is confusing – not even Kageyama spends that much time on his acting, and even If he did, that wouldn’t be a _bad_ thing, so why does Iwaizumi sound… wistful?

Iwaizumi must have sensed his confusion, because he sighs and shakes his head.

“I don’t mean acting as on a stage – I mean in general, that he is hiding behind a façade he presents to the world. He’s always been a good liar, but sometimes I feel like this acting stuff is just making it worse.”

Kageyama reflects on that for a moment, before shaking his head.  
“I don’t know. I’ve been into acting since I was a child as well, and I’m really bad at lying. But I don’t feel like Oikawa is hiding? He’s often unpleasant with me, I’m pretty sure he’s not faking that. And his affection for you seems sincere and especially _abundant_.”

Iwaizumi laughs at that.

“Yeah, I guess. Thanks Kageyama. You’re a good kid.”

Kageyama feels confused – he didn’t feel like what he said had been particularly helpful, but then again he didn’t understand what the deal was with Iwaizumi and Oikawa anyway. He did not particularly want to know it either.

 

Next time at practice, Daichi gathers everyone before they start working.

“As you all know, the premiere is next week.” He pauses to give everyone a loaded stare. “You guys have done great work, and I have faith you’ll keep it up until we’ve reached the finishing line. SO it should come as no surprise that we will have evening practice this week, and then a dress rehearsal. To the ones that are completely new to this: a dress rehearsal should be taken just as seriously as the premiere, and we _will_ have an audience. Mistakes may happen and that’s fine, just try your best, OK?”

Everyone collectively answers with the affirmative, and then they get to work. Kageyama feels an excitement that is unique to this – the premiere getting closer, the manic, creative energy of everyone running around. He watches Noya and Tanaka squabbling over what hat to choose for a character, Hinata laughing at them, Yamaguchi desperately looking for some prop someone has misplaced, Sugawara reciting a monologue to Daichi – and he feels at home.  

 

The days pass quickly, and most of the members of the company are absorbed in practicing and getting ready for the play – Kageyama does most of his schoolwork, but other than that, he dedicates his time to get into character and just making sure everything is as perfect as it can be.

“You’re so obsessive; you really need to learn how to relax a little.” Hinata chides, tugging on colourful, loose clothing. His character is a dynamic, fiery one – it’s a minor role, but he’s done a good job. Kageyama is proud, even though he doesn’t feel like it’s his place to be proud of Hinata.

“I’m relaxed now – I’ve just been trying to make everything go well. I don’t really get stage-fright.” Kageyama lines his eyes with black eyeliner, and Hinata tips his head to the side quizzically.

“Why are you putting on makeup?”

Kageyama pauses in applying red lipstick, frowning at him.

“We all have to do this – didn’t someone mention it earlier? You should’ve brought your own makeup.”

Hinata gets that stubborn _look_ on his face, crossing his arms.  

“Why do we have to wear makeup though?”

“So people can see your face, stupid! Stage lights will make your face look like the moon if you don’t darken your eyes, lips and eyebrows.” Kageyama snaps at Hinata, grabbing his face with one hand and forcibly applying the lipstick.

“Purse your lips, idiot - don’t pucker them like a fish! Now smack your lips together.”

Hinata, wide eyed and surprised, does what he says silently. They’re so close right now, staring at each other. Kageyama can feel his cheeks heating up – is Hinata leaning closer or is it his imagination?

Suddenly someone is coughing, and Kageyama jumps away from Hinata.

Tsukishima watches them coldly and then sighs.  
“Wow, could someone give me a slice of the sexual tension in this room, because it’s thick enough to cut.”

Asahi, who had been talking to Nishinoya nearby, startles violently and looks at Tsukishima with wide eyes.

“Relax - I wasn’t talking about you and the pygmy.” Tsukishima smirks at him, and Noya frowns in his direction.

“Wait, what the fuck did you just say?”

Kageyama watched sheepishly from the sidelines as Asahi held Nishinoya back from jumping at Tsukishima, before Daichi and Sugawara came to the rescue and intervened.

“… What just happened?” Hinata asked Kageyama, who shrugged and shook his head.

“Beats me.”

“-You are aware that there are probably _fifty_ people sitting out there, who are expecting us to do a good job and take this seriously – who _paid_ to see us act today, so I will not tolerate any more disturbances like this!” Daichi finished admonishing Nishinoya and Tsukishima.

They don’t seem to be very affected by the reprimand, just shrug and nod. Hinata, however, has suddenly turned a curious shade of green-white.

“ _F-fifty people… Who paid… See me act…_ ” He mumbles. Kageyama raises an eyebrow questioningly.

“Are you OK?”

“ _Wha – ugh, yeah. Fine. I just need. Toilet_.” He runs off.

Kageyama is left alone, blinking to himself.

“Huh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually not sure if what I wrote in this chapter made any sense. Anyway this story is already longer than I planned but it'll probably be one or two additional chapters until it's done! Yay! Or nay, if you wanted it to go one forever idk.  
> This title is also from "Ribcage" by Elbow.


	9. "And when the sunshine, throwin' me a lifeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laughs.

The dress rehearsal went… Well. It could’ve gone better, it could have been worse.

Hinata wasn’t the only one who had gotten an acute case of stage-fright. There were a couple of other members who were relatively new to theatre who had also been just nervous enough to forget a couple lines, some misplaced props – one absurd improvised scene from Nishinoya which made Asahi break character (Kageyama grudgingly acknowledged that Nishinoya was great in that scene, but still…).

“Just remember, the dress rehearsal isn’t supposed to go perfectly! That’s bad luck for the actual premiere.” Sugawara says encouragingly.

Everyone is watching the dress rehearsal that Ennoshita had filmed for them. Hinata had apologized to Daichi for messing up his lines probably fifteen times, until Daichi told the story of his first serious performance in front of an audience. He’d gotten so worked up that during the dialogue he had acted out more than half of the other character’s dialogue, and the entire scene had ended up like something from absurd theatre. The other actor had been more experienced and just went with it, so it turned out all right in the end.

“The point is, mistakes are ok – sometimes they even make things better than what was originally planned. And Hinata, improvisation is one of your strong suits, so if you panic and forget your lines – just make something up. You’ll do great.” Daichi says and Sugawara nods in agreement.

Hinata looks at Kageyama distrustfully.

“Why aren’t _you_ yelling at me?”

Kageyama shrugged.

“You’ve worked hard. Mistakes happen. Sure, they happened because you’re an idiot who couldn’t keep calm, but as long as you don’t fuck up at the premiere it’s mostly fine.”

“Ha! I knew you were being too nice. Nice to see I was right.” Hinata is grinning however, and Kageyama gives a small smile back.

After they’ve watched all of the film clip, Daichi claps his hands together.

“Good work everyone – it’s time to go home and get some rest. We don’t have practice tomorrow, but after that we have one more practice day and then it’s the premiere! We’re going to meet up early to prepare and go through the play again before it’s ShowTime.”

It’s like this unspoken rule of theatre that you don’t know the play well enough until you can recite all the lines in your sleep, and you’re so sick of it that you regret ever getting into acting.

Kageyama loves it though – loves the mix of hard work and creativity, the methodical approach to something that is so fleeting and hard to pin down. Maybe he’s done his monologues a hundred times, but there is always something new to be discovered when actually _performing_ them.

Kageyama goes home feeling excited and light-hearted. He’ll get to perform properly soon, he’s told Hinata about The Incident, he has friends and he’s happy… Would it be selfish to ask for more? Maybe… So far, nothing he’s done has pushed Hinata away. Maybe it would be OK to tell him how he feels? He’d probably face rejection yes, but at least then he would know and he could work on moving on – and they would probably still be friends.

_‘Not now though. Maybe after the premiere sometime.’_

 

 

The air is almost crackling with nervous energy – everyone is running around backstage preparing for costume changes, applying their makeup, placing important props in the right places, going through the script one last time.

Not long now until the awaited moment is here. Kageyama is already in costume and fully prepared, so he sits inside the dressing room just observing people.

Hinata has already been to the toilet twice – he’s sitting next to Kageyama, an interesting shade of grey under his makeup. 

Yamaguchi also seems to be nervous, judging from the fact that he tried to use mascara instead of lipstick on his lips (Tsukishima noticed and stopped him before he got that far.)

“Remember what Daichi said.” Kageyama doesn’t really know how to make Hinata feel calmer. The other man gives a mechanical nod.

“Hey. You messed up some of your lines during the dress rehearsal – and so what? It turned out fine, the world didn’t end.” He says awkwardly. Hinata seems to appreciate the sentiment at least and finally gives him a shaky smile.

Tanaka, bristling with energy, overhears them and gives a triumphant shout.

“Ha ha ha! You’re going to do great; we will show them not to underestimate country people!”

Kageyama blinks, wondering what that has to do with anything. Hinata seems to be encouraged by Tanaka’s tomfoolery though, so that’s good.

“Alright, ten minutes left!” Daichi shows up in the opening, looking equal parts stressed and excited. “I need everyone to be at the position of their stage entrance _at least_ a minute before you go on-stage, all right? No running around when you’re supposed to be somewhere else.”

Everyone in the dressing room nod in understanding.

Time works strangely during a play – the ten minutes you’re on stage rush by like a second, while the thirty seconds spent waiting for your cue feels like a lifetime. Kageyama experiences a particular feeling when he’s standing behind the curtain though. You’re standing in the darkness looking out on the bright scene through a tiny gap – and the production feels almost _alive,_ like all the actors and actresses and backstage workers and even the audience are all connected, have the same pulse, the same collective beating heart.

It feels like his breath is being pulled from somewhere deep inside his lungs - and even though adrenaline is drumming through his veins he feels a form for serenity.

Taking a deep breath, Kageyama steps out on the stage.

 

 

The play went well – especially since it was the company’s first production and since they had so many novice actors. Daichi had given everyone free until the start of next semester, so Kageyama feels a strange sort of emptiness. Both because something he has dedicated a lot of time to is now finished, and mostly because he has nothing to fill the gap with. So he continues to work on his acting with renewed fervour.

Hinata comes over a couple days later, insisting that Kozume and Kageyama should play board games with him.

Despite an initial disagreement, in the end they settle on playing Trivial Pursuit. Kageyama has never played that before, and feels suspicious of the grin Hinata keeps sending his way. Is this a game he would be bad at or… No. Kageyama will _show him_ that he is _great_ at this game.

“What do you call the literary device used when giving animals or objects human characteristics?” Kozume reads up from a card.

“Anthropomorphism.” Kageyama says.

Hinata stares at him.

“What? A lot of literature is relevant to theatre – plays exist in both a physical and literary dimension.”

“Nerd.”

“At least I’m not _an idiot_ , idiot.”

Kozume coughs.

“That’s correct, you get a cake piece.” He hands over the brown piece. “Alright. Shouyou, it’s your turn.”

“I have to go now.” Kozume says after a couple of hours. They’ve finished playing Trivial Pursuit, and had been watching some random cooking show for twenty minutes or so.

“Kuro wanted to meet up to look at new training shoes.”

“Alright, I’ll text you later Kenma! Have fun.” Hinata says cheerfully, while Kageyama says a simple “see you.”

Kageyama and Hinata sit in silence for a few moments, watching the food program.

“Do you want to do some dialogue work with me?” Kageyama asks at last, prompting a raised eyebrow from the other man.

“I mean, I recently bought some new plays and I thought it would be fun to go through some of the scenes with someone, but since we don’t have practice with the company right now…”

“Sure.” Hinata shrugs. “Sounds fun!”

Hinata follows Kageyama into his room, where Kageyama finds a couple of the new scripts.

“Okay, so I have _‘Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?’_ , _‘A Taste of Honey’_ and _‘Spoon River Anthology’_  – Spoon River is mostly monologues actually, but there are a couple of scenes with multiple people or creatures, I guess. It actually reminds me of our production? Because there are poems as well as more dynamic scenes.” Kageyama looks up from the script with a small smile.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Hinata declares, uncharacteristically serious.

Kageyama feels his heart skip a beat. “Do… What?”

“ _This._ The… Avoiding the huge elephant in the room.” Hinata gestures between them. “Because – I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page and just both being cowards about this, and it’s dumb so here I go.”

Kageyama would bristle as the ‘coward’ part normally, but right now his heart is racing and he can feel his mouth going dry.

“So I like you a lot. Do you want to go out with me? On a date I mean. As people who are dating. And if you don’t – that’s fine, I can do friendship – but I think maybe you like me back? It might be wishful thinking, but… Anyway, yeah. Date me?” Hinata shuffles his feet but keeps his gaze on Kageyama’s face, which is suddenly starting to feel hot. _Habanero_ hot.

“… Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean – I’d like that.”

Hinata’s grins lights up the room, and Kageyama can’t help a startled yelp when suddenly another body crashes into his, pulling him into a tight hug.

“We should go out and have a really fancy dinner!” Hinata looks up at Kageyama, and his grin changes into a smirk. “I’m gonna _woo_ you.”

“I’ll woo you right back. I’ll woo you _the best_.” Hinata laughs and Kageyama is starting to become tired of blushing.

Wait. This isn’t another dream right? That one dream he had was similar to this situation.

Kageyama feels his palms getting sweaty. But time passes normally and nothing of a… carnal nature happens.

Hinata is giddy and darting all over the place, and Kageyama is filled with nervous, happy energy himself – he doesn’t quite know what to do with his arms suddenly, his limbs feeling awkward.

When Hinata goes home, he gives Kageyama another hug and promises to text him later. Kageyama is left feeling kind of like he’s been hit by a truck. But in a good way.

 

 

Kageyama and Hinata had agreed to meet later today – they would go out and eat at a fancy restaurant, like Hinata had declared earlier. It feels strange – it’s the same thing they did as friends (if not a little more high-class this time), but it feels so different as well.

He’s nervous, but not as much as he thought he would be – mostly he just feels like he has something warm and fluffy in his chest. It’s almost disgruntling how content Hinata makes him. Ok, he’s pretty nervous (but in a good way).

Kageyama smiles down into his cereal and Kozume who’s eating an apple across him at the kitchen table stares at him.

“You seem happy.” Kozume remarks quietly.

“Ah. Yes. I’m going out on…” Kageyama pauses, trying to find the right words.

“…On a date with Shouyou? Yes, I know. He’s sent me approximately 43 messages about how excited he is.” His phone plings and lights up with a new message. “… 44.”

Kageyama flushes. “I should go get ready.”

After a long shower in an attempt to calm down (it didn’t work), Kageyama is at a loss for what he should do. He isn’t meeting Hinata for many hours yet. He lays out the outfit he is going to wear tonight (a nice shirt and dress-pants. It’s a classy place, but not black tie-classy), googles ‘how to flirt’ and ‘how to have a good date’, discards advice given by the search monitor, debates asking Sugawara for advice, resolves _not_ to embarrass himself willingly and after just half an hour he is collapsed on his bed.

A sound alerts him to the fact that he’s gotten a new text message.

“ **From:** Yachi  
_Good luck on your date with Shouyou! He’s very excited about it_ _♪_ _(_ _๑_ _ᴖ_ _◡_ _ᴖ_ _๑_ _)_ _♪_ _”_

“ **From:** Yachi  
_And I do mean very excited… (´_ _ヮ_ _`) As in, I’m pretty sure that if he slept at all it was no more than maybe three hours. I know I didn’t get to sleep more than that. (;´_ _・_ _`) >_”

Kageyama feels his traitor heart flutter and groans. Hearing how much Hinata is looking forward to this is just making him feel more nervous. What if he fucks it all up?

No, ok. What was that one thing all the sites with dating advice had in common – they all blathered about how important it is to be yourself. Therefore, if Kageyama fucks it up Hinata just has to deal with that. Hinata _likes_ him after all. Likes _him_. Kageyama is turning red, which is ridiculous.

Why can’t time pass faster?

 

 

They meet up nearby the restaurant so they can walk there together. Hinata seems to be almost vibrating where he stands and the grin he gives when he sees Kageyama is brighter than the sun. Is he… Holding flowers?

“Here you go!” Hinata thrusts the bouquet at Kageyama. “Told you I would woo you. I asked the florist for flower meanings but it was kinda boring so I just picked some I thought were pretty. They’re um, dolph- delphiniums! And the other ones are anemone, and some hydrangeas.”

Kageyama looks down at the blue flowers, prettily arched and put together with a couple of purple flowers with lots of petals. He’s never gotten flowers before. It’s suddenly hard to swallow.

“Thank you.”

Hinata gives a proud grin and tugs on Kageyama’s arm.

“Come on, let’s go – I’m hungry!”

After a few minutes in Hinata’s presence, Kageyama is starting to relax – things aren’t that different, Hinata is still the same person and so is Kageyama.  

They get seated by the window at the restaurant, and order some wine with the food. The usual small-talk is nice, but Kageyama has been wondering about something.

“Why did you confess when you did?” Kageyama looks down into his glass of wine.  
“Not that I’m complaining, but it wasn’t exactly a romantically loaded moment.”

Hinata laughs.  
“I think I just… Couldn’t help it anymore? You were gushing about that play, you looked all excited, you were _smiling,_ and I just thought fuck it. I’ve… Liked you for quite some time now, actually.”

Kageyama blinks slowly at that.

“What.”

“Uh, yeah! I thought maybe you picked up on my hints and wasn’t interested, but then I thought maybe you were – especially when you were acting all strange and frowny. Also Sugawara kept dropping all these vague hints, which was _really annoying_ – “

“I’ve liked you since we played volleyball together.” Kageyama bursts out. “Or, actually, that’s when I started realizing that maybe I liked you – I probably liked you before that and just didn’t notice I mean, I’ve never liked anyone else before.”

Hinata’s cheeks are turning rosy, and it’s thrilling to watch, even though Kageyama can feel a matching heat in his cheeks.  

“I guess we’re both idiots when it comes to this.” Hinata laughs.

“Yeah.”  

The rest of the date goes really well – not that Kageyama has anything to compare it with, but it feels so easy and natural to talk with Hinata. They’re friends, and now they’re learning to be something different together.

When Kageyama gets home that evening, he finds a nice vase for the bouquet and puts it on the windowsill in his room. Looking at the flowers makes his heart swell up with joy.

“I think Shouyou sent me no less than 40 additional messages after your date.”

Kageyama jumps in surprise and turns to see Kozume standing in the door opening, a tiny smile on his face.

“It’s nice that the date went well. I’m glad for you two.” He hesitates for a bit. “It’s been a long time coming. Good night.”

Kageyama stands there frozen when his phone vibrates in his pocket.

“ **From:** Hinata  
_so we’re doing that again asap right??? (●_ _♡∀♡_ _) it was so awesome i had a great time. was it good for u2? |_ _￣_ _∀_ _￣_ _| haha jk no but i do hope u had a good time! i have time tuesday after class if u want to go grab a coffee?_ _♡_ _+*_ _Ɗ_ _ɑɫë*+_ _♡_ _”_

Kageyama spends twenty seconds calming down enough to answer, feeling a smile tugging at his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha what is this. The next chapter will probably be the last one!  
> I kept writing sentences and then realizing I was writing the lyrics to Lose Yourself.  
> “His palms are sweaty” KNEES WEAK ARMS ARE HEAVY…. There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.


	10. Finds its way into my room, all I need is you."

Kageyama is seated across Hinata at their regular table at the usual café – since they started going out they’d mostly been out on coffee dates, but also to the movies, the theatre ( _a doll’s house_ , since Kageyama was still trying to school Hinata on the classics) and just meeting up in general. Just like they did before they dated, as well.

“So…” Kageyama begins, stirring his tea and avoiding Hinata’s gaze.  
“This has been fun. We have been going out for some time now. I – uh, I was just wondering if. You know. Do you want to be serious? Or should we just keep it casual for a while or – I’m not sure what you’re looking for here.”

He doesn’t know if he wants the answer to that question, really – he wants to be serious of course, is still afraid that doing this casually and then trying to go back to friendship wouldn’t be possible, and when it comes to fractured bones a clean break is always better. Ideally, he would like not to break anything at all, of course.

Hinata purses his lips and looks at Kageyama in thought.  
“Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.” He quotes with great gravitas.

“Wait you – you still remember that?” Kageyama can feel his heart skip a beat, his cheeks flushing with excitement. That’s part of Hamlet’s love letter to Ophelia. (Not really a model for the ideal romance, but the sentiment is sweet, and the poetry beautiful.)  

“No, but I’ve been reading up on it, since you like it so much! Anyway, the point still stands, even without _ye olden English_ way of saying things with way too many words. “

Staring at Hinata’s wide smile, there is nothing else Kageyama can do but to smile back, grab his hand at the table and murmur a heartfelt “thank you”.

 

Neither of them go home for Christmas - they spend it together, and although they’re not obvious about being lovers like the other couples outside in the cold, it still warms Kageyama’s heart to know he’s walking side by side with his _boyfriend_ on Christmas Eve.

They visit _their_ café, Hinata badgering Kageyama into trying some experimental peppermint caramel coffee, and ordering something that smells like dark chocolate and gingerbread himself. It’s not snowing, but the fake snow in the window is enough for them, as they tangle their legs together under the table and talk about the year that’s almost over now.

Walking home to Hinata’s apartment hand in hand, noses red in the cold is one of the happiest moments in Kageyama’s life. Before going to bed, they watch Christmas cartoons with Yachi and Kiyoko-san, who’ve also spent the day together.

Sometimes it feels like they’re creating a little world for themselves, a world which revolves around a few specific people and certain locations like the café, their apartments and the hall where the company has practice.

 

They’ve been doing things at a pace which felt natural – Kageyama hadn’t had any form for sexual activity with anyone else before, but he didn’t place any big emotional significance on his first time. He has been eager to start trying out new things with Hinata; both of them had a lot of sexual frustration build up. However, they tried things out one at a time – discovering and learning things about each other together.

There had also been a couple of slightly mortifying conversations _(“OK so, how do you feel about being called daddy?” “What – no! You dumbass Hinata why would you even ask something like that.” “Hey, conversation is key! Spanking?” “Why do you have a list.”)_

Hinata was usually energetic and borderline silly during sex – he would make jokes, grin, and kiss all over Kageyama’s face. Kageyama pretended to be annoyed by this, but it was all an act. However, at times Hinata would be all intensity, dark eyes and no-nonsense attitude – and that’s how Kageyama discovered that he sometimes enjoyed being pushed around a little, as long as they had clearly established rules.

 

Hinata came over to spend a quiet evening together – Kageyama was home alone, Iwaizumi staying over at Oikawa’s place and Kuroo and Kozume were visiting home together.

Hinata sat next to Kageyama on the couch, watching some sort of action movie. Kageyama wasn’t really paying attention, trying to get through a chapter on Jacques Copeau (and others, like Adolphe Appia _)_ for his next class on scenography.

They sat mostly in silence, the sound of the movie fading into background noise for Kageyama – Hinata sometimes pointing out if something especially cool or lame happened in the movie.

Half an hour or so passes, and Kageyama finished his chapter and puts the book away. He ought to read more, but right now, his brain feels too filled up with information about the French theatre stage.

He tries to pay attention to the movie, but the acting is terrible and he’s missed most of the plot already, so he kind of just zones out while staring at the screen.

Meanwhile, Hinata is scooting closer and closer on the couch. Kageyama glances at him, and Hinata attempts to give an innocent smile. When they’re right next to each other, Hinata drapes his arms around Kageyama’s neck and pulls him down for a kiss.

Their lips move together, languidly, taking their time. Hinata’s lips are slightly chapped but still soft and so warm – Kageyama applies more pressure and leans closer into the kiss. The slow movements become more hurried as the kiss increases in intensity – open-mouthed and messy; Hinata is almost sitting in Kageyama’s lap now.

“We are _not_ having sex with _transformers_ playing in the background.” Kageyama hisses out, although the sentence ends in a moan when Hinata palms him through his pants.

“Hinata you _dumbass_.”

“Fine, fine!” Hinata rolls his eyes and quickly locates the remote control so he can turn off the TV. “Happy now?” He plants a kiss on the corner of Kageyama’s mouth.

“No. Kiss me properly.”

“Bossy!” Hinata complies despite the complaint, leaning in and pressing his lips against Kageyama’s, licking along his lower lip until the other man opens his mouth for him.

Hinata smiles into the kiss, turning it somewhat awkward – he’s not able to kiss properly while doing that, but the fact that Hinata is smiling makes Kageyama feel giddy, and soon he can feel his lips stretching out in a smile as well. 

He pulls away slightly and presses his forehead against Hinata’s.

“… I like you a lot.” Kageyama breathes out after a few moments of silence. Hinata looks surprised for a split second, before he grins widely and chuckles.

“I like you a lot too.” He’s stroking down Kageyama’s arms, before taking both his hands in his and twining their fingers together. Slowly, he presses Kageyama down and lies on top, chest to chest.

“I like how excited you get when you geek out about your theatre stuff…” Hinata kisses Kageyama’s cheek softly.

“I like how expressive your face can be… How easy it is to read your body-language.” He trails kisses down his neck, slowly.

“Are you mocking me or praising me?” Kageyama sounds exasperated.

“Maybe both?” Hinata grins, letting go of one of Kageyama’s hands so he can slide his t-shirt up. “Mostly praise though. I like how your language deteriorates when you’re angry or turned on.”

“Deteriorates my ass.”

“Speaking of things I like!”

Kageyama blushes and looks away from Hinata’s smile.

“Now you’re just being embarrassing, idiot.”

“I like the sounds you make.” Hinata continues as though Kageyama hadn’t said anything, bending his head down and licking Kageyama’s nipple, dragging forth a startled gasp.

“Stop _complimenting_ me. Or whatever you’re doing – just, _ah_ , shut up.” Kageyama’s voice comes out strained when Hinata continues his ministrations upon his chest.

“Wow, you’re always so frowny during sex! But like, a hot kind of frowny. You have the angry eyebrows but your pupils are all blown and your mouth is like, slightly open and your lips look kind of swollen and it just makes me want to-“

“Shut the fuck up, stop narrating!” Kageyama can feel his face turning redder, partly due to embarrassment and mostly due to anger. If what Hinata was doing didn’t feel so nice, he would’ve shoved him of the couch. ‘ _I’m going to do that afterwards. As revenge.’_

“Alright, I’ll stop.” Hinata says with repressed laughter in his voice. He continues kissing the skin, starting to leave marks. Kageyama rolls his hips upward, moaning at the friction. It’s not enough though, especially when Hinata is pinning him down like this.

“Hinata, come on.”

“What’s the magic word?” Hinata pulls back a little, admiring the hickey that’s forming beneath Kageyama’s collarbone.

“ _Now._ ” Kageyama demands.

“Kageyama.”

“…Please.” He can feel Hinata’s grin against his skin, but Hinata grinding his hips down into Kageyama’s distracts him. Hinata lets go of Kageyama’s hands to support himself better, so he can hold his torso raised enough to look at Kageyama lying beneath him, flush spreading from his cheeks and down his chest.

Kageyama tangles his fingers into Hinata’s messy hair, soft and cool against his fingers, and gently tugs to indicate that he wants a kiss.

“Lube!” Hinata declares, jumping up from Kageyama with a grin.

“Wow, thanks for keeping the mood sexy.” Kageyama deadpans, but relents when Hinata drags him from the couch and into the bedroom.

“Also, Kenma may have made me promise that we wouldn’t have sex on the couch while he is away. I don’t know how, but I have the feeling he would just _know_ if we did, so…”

Kageyama groans. He does not want to think about this right now. Suddenly there is a warm, very naked body pressed up against his, and he’s thankfully distracted from his thoughts again. Hinata stands on his tiptoes to indicate that he wants a kiss, and Kageyama bends his head without complaint. Their lips glide together slowly, it’s hot and wet and intimate and Kageyama has to repress shuddering with joy and need.

Hinata breaks the kiss so he can push Kageyama backwards against the bed. Kageyama falls down willingly, moving further in on the bed so Hinata can straddle his thighs.

Hinata’s skin is covered by a light sheen of sweat, and his face is flushed – his flush doesn’t spread down to his chest like Kageyama’s does, but his body temperature seems to rise to almost an unnaturally high degree. Or maybe it’s just that the places where their skin touches seems to burn with sensation. He’s on his knees over Kageyama’s thighs, pelvis tilted forward – his cock is already hard, so Kageyama wraps his fingers around it and gives a light tug. Hinata moans due to the abrupt touch, but makes no objections, so Kageyama adjusts his grip a little firmer and starts stroking him slowly.

“I should find the lube.” Hinata reminds him in a slightly shaky voice.

“Yeah.” Kageyama doesn’t stop though. “… Want me to blow you first?”

Hinata jolts a little at that, his already dark eyes turning darker. Kageyama waits for the affirmative, and when he gets an enthusiastic yes, he rearranges them on the bed so Hinata is sitting cross-legged and he’s lying on his stomach. 

He takes his time, holding his cock with one hand and nuzzling his cheek against the soft, hard skin before giving a tentative lick at the tip. Sometimes it’s fun to tease Hinata, to always give _just_ not enough to get him off – so he spends some time giving him wet kisses and careful licks.

Hinata is groaning and twisting his fingers into Kageyama’s hair, and when his babbling is starting to sound discombobulated, Kageyama relents and slowly glides his lips down Hinata’s dick.

Bobbing his head up and down, mindful of his teeth, Kageyama tries to stroke his tongue against the skin while keeping a good rhythm, but it’s challenging to coordinate both things. So he focuses on relaxing his throat for taking Hinata as deep as he can – touching his cheek with his free hand, he can feel Hinata’s dick in his mouth through the skin, and for some reason it makes him almost dizzy with desire.

“Kageyama. I – ah, you need to stop. Or I’m gonna…” Hinata trails off with a groan. Kageyama considers continuing but decides that he wants to do more now rather than having to wait for Hinata to get hard again. He releases Hinata’s dick from his mouth and gives the tip a small kiss.

“Mm.” Hinata grins down at him before moving to the nightstand and fetching the bottle of lube. “Can I – or do you want to prepare yourself?” Hinata gestures between them with the lube.

“Stop gesturing with the lubricant.” Kageyama barks, and then considers the question. “Um. Could you…” He trails off with a blush.

“Yeah!” Hinata doesn’t get embarrassed all that easily, while Kageyama still finds it somewhat hard to _talk_ about sex sometimes.

He pulls a pillow under his hips to elevate them and make it easier for Hinata to stretch him out. This is something they do relatively often, so it doesn’t hurt all that much and it’s a relatively quick process – one they both enjoy however.

Hinata coats a couple of his fingers with the thick liquid and trails a finger from Kageyama’s lower back in between his cheeks to his entrance. Kageyama shifts and spreads his legs a little wider, making it easier for Hinata to slip the finger in.

“You always feel so amazing.” Hinata breathes out, and Kageyama groans.

“What – ah, what did I say about narrating stuff!”

“That’s it’s embarrassing but it also really turns you on?” Hinata grins as he gently moves his finger in and out. “I can stop if you really want me to.” His offer is met with silence, and he has to supress his giggles or he knows Kageyama would probably shove him off the bed.

“You can put in another one now.” Kageyama looks back at him with heavy lids, his body completely relaxed and almost glowing against the dark blue sheets of the bed.

Hinata complies, adding more lube, slowly entering another finger and continuing the rhythm he has going. After some of that, he spreads the two digits carefully, stretching Kageyama out further. Said man moans at the sensation, especially when Hinata spends some time feeling for his prostate.

“N-not too much or I’ll come.” Kageyama warns, and Hinata nods absent-mindedly, staring at his expression. Kageyama’s eyes are dark and glazed over, his cheeks are red and dark strands of his fringe is stuck to his sweaty forehead – his mouth open and panting, with lips swollen and slick from kisses… He can feel himself dripping pre-cum, warmth coiling low in his belly.

Suddenly feeling some sort of urgency in the tension circulating his body, he slips in the third finger and speeds up a little – taking care not to hit Kageyama’s prostate too much, but still a couple of times to make it pleasurable for the other man. Still, he doesn’t want to rush it and end up hurting Kageyama – he continues fingering him for a while until he can ease in a fourth finger, and that’s when he deems him ready.

Kageyama is also starting to feel impatient by now – skin itching with the blood rushing around in his veins, the emptiness when Hinata pulls out his fingers almost aching.

Hinata holds up a condom questioningly, and Kageyama shakes his head slightly. They were both clean and sure, cleaning up afterwards could be a bitch, but it was worth it occasionally.

“Are you sure? It’s _ultra ribbed for your pleasure_.” Hinata grins.

“Do you want me to change my mind about this whole thing, you idiot –“ he’s interrupted by a kiss, and he grudgingly melts into the feeling of Hinata licking into his mouth.

“How do you want to do this?” Hinata sits back on his heels, coating his dick with a generous amount of lubricant. Kageyama sits up as well, pondering.

“Maybe…” He lays down on his back – it’s not the most creative of positions, but it allows them to kiss (and yeah, maybe Kageyama likes being held down sometimes, when Hinata gets that concentrated expression and when Kageyama tests to see if he can break free he _can’t_ and… Anyway, they have a safeword).

Hinata smiles widely, laying down onto Kageyama slowly – he can’t resist giving a few thrusts when their dicks line up, before sliding down further and lifting Kageyama’s legs. He spends a few moments deliberating if he wants them around his waist or over his shoulders (moments where Kageyama glares as him and non-verbally tells him to hurry up), before he decides on draping the long, lean limbs over his shoulders.

“OK.” He strokes his hands up and down Kageyama’s thighs and looks into his eyes. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.” Kageyama gives a short nod, takes a deep breath and relaxes his body as much as possible as Hinata slowly presses against his entrance. There’s an intake of breath and a moan from both men when Hinata finally pushes through the ring of muscle – the entrance is easy, since they’ve spent time and enough lube during preparing Kageyama.

Taking a couple moments to catch his breath, Hinata starts to slowly thrust his hips shallowly into Kageyama in short, sharp movements.

“Are you ok?” He slows his movement even more, looking at Kageyama. Said man throws his arm over his eyes, blush obvious on his cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Faster.” He demands, and Hinata is glad to comply, grabbing Kageyama’s wrists and pressing him down into the bed before moving his hips again – faster this time, but still shallowly. It’s fun to make Kageyama vocalize what he wants, although he’s careful not to push too far.

The heat inside the room is rising, and both men are covered in a fine sheen of sweat now – Hinata follows a bead of sweat sliding down Kageyama’s neck with his eyes and then bends down to mark the spot with a hickey. The air is filled with moans and panting and the sound of skin slapping together, and occasionally mumbled praise from Hinata.

Kageyama throws his head back and tries to remember to breathe properly – Hinata is thrusting at a high tempo now but there’s not enough pressure, and his prostate is only grazed sometimes.

“Hinata…”

“What?” Hinata grins down at Kageyama’s attempted scowl, stroking the sides of his wrists.

“Harder.”

“Harder… What?”

“ _Hinata._ ” Kageyama warns, and Hinata slows his movements down a little.

“I can’t know what you want me to do if you don’t say it.”

“ _Fuck you.”_

“But you’re already doing that.” Hinata’s smile stretches wider as Kageyama gives a glare that could wither a lesser man.

Kageyama opens his mouth to reply but the words turn into a moan when Hinata starts thrusting vigorously into him. He feels so good – hot and clenching around him, so pretty with blue eyes turned almost black, testing his strength against Hinata’s hold but secretly pliant –

“S-shut up,” Kageyama says, but without heat now, the words sounding more like a moan. Hinata hadn’t been aware of talking, a thing which sometimes happens when he’s nearing his peak, thrusts getting erratic.

“I’m close.” Kageyama breathes out, and Hinata reaches down to give his dick a couple for strokes, and then Kageyama sees white – heat is spreading through his body, almost tickling under his skin as he feels warm liquid hit his stomach. Hinata is still pounding into him a few more times before Kageyama feels him cum inside, sees his brows knit together and his mouth falling open in pleasure.

Hinata waits a couple moments before pulling out and falling down beside Kageyama with a groan.

The lie still for a couple of moments, catching their breath. Kageyama feels completely relaxed and sleepy, even though the jizz drying on his stomach is kind of gross.

And then Kageyama shoves Hinata off him and down on the floor.

“What the fuck, Bakageyama?” Hinata blinks up at him, completely dumbfounded.

“That’s for being a dumb idiot earlier! Stop being so embarrassing.”

He can’t quite hide his smile though.

 

They have their first big fight a weekend during the winter – it was about something insignificant, but it escalated quickly and they didn’t speak for two days.

Kageyama walked around in a daze, so scared and sure that what he had been dreading had finally come to pass – he knew in the back of his head that it would just be a matter of time before he ruined this, wrecked the best thing that happened to him.

He’d been wallowing in his room for most of the day when Hinata crashed in through the door, declaring that he was sorry and that it had been a dumb fight and that they should’ve talked things through instead of just doing the silent treatment-thing.

Kageyama had been so surprised and relived that he may or may not have started bawling.

That first real fight (and the other that followed, fewer than one might think) made Kageyama realise something though. That it was OK to make mistakes, and sometimes he would do or say something stupid, and sometimes it would be Hinata who did that, but they could still make it work – they could still love each other. They don’t have to be perfect.  That is what makes this so great.

 

 “ _Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”_

\- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. 

If Kageyama had to choose one quote to describe his life, he would probably choose that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Ribcage by Elbow!  
> Argh, this ended up so mushy and gross I’m sorry.  
> I didn’t want to leave it on a too unrealistically sweet note though? Because I feel like people who are so uh, emotional and driven and in some ways simple-minded as Kageyama and Hinata will clash – even in a relationship, and those are never perfect in the first place. So it would be hard work and sometimes they would get lost but I think they would be able to go the distance, ja feel? (ja definitely feel.)
> 
> Anyway, thank you all so much for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! This was a first for me - the second fic I've ever written and the first one that's actually long and that has something resembling a plot. So it's really heartening that it's been well received - I hope I have the opportunity to write more in the future!  
> That being said, I made a tumblr for things related to the thing I've written/am going to write, http://boringkun.tumblr.com/ feel free to pop by and say hi!


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